Au Revoir, 2010

Well, it's nearly a new year, Jacky Maille fans.  I just wanted to wish my dozens of readers a happy 2011!  We sure had fun in 2010, didn't we?  We trolled companies like Kroger and Starbucks.  We tried to make Cock Retrievers THE dog breed to have.  We looked for several roommates and jobs to no avail.  My personal favorite was the Female Voice Over.  Oddly, the most read post of 2010 was the one with the cheese and cracker trays.

Thanks again for joining me for a fun year of pissing off the interwebs.  2011 should be lots of fun as well.  Who knows what we'll be capable of in the next 365 days?

Remember, Jacky is always open to suggestions, comments, and questions.  Feel free to use the comment box below, or e-mail me at drewcifer66@gmail.com .

Happy New Year to everyone!

The Black Lips: Satan's New Musical Messengers

Original ad:


I need 1 to 2 tickets to the Black Lips/Deerhunter show at the eyedrum on dec 30th NOW! Willing to negotiate good money for it! I'm traveling 8 hours just to go to this show all in good faith! Please help if you know anyone going! Thank you! 


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To: Gabriel
From:  Jacky Maille

Dear The Black Lips Fan,

I seriously hope you're not going to hitchhike for 8 hours to see a The Black Lips in concert.  Are you truly aware of the evil that they cause?  Their music promotes Satanism, homosexuality, bestiality, masturbation,  and a host of other demonic sins.   You may as well attend a Black Mass in the fiery pits of Hell conducted by Satan himself.

The Black Lips concerts begin with the band leading the audience in a chant of passages from the Necronomicon, trying to raise the spirit of their dark master Cthulu. At some point during the show, each band member removes their pants and begins to masturbate on the audience.  When they achieve orgasm, they spray the audience with their devil slime which is a cue for the rest to follow suit.  Do you seriously want to be in the middle of 1,000 people with their genitals exposed and rubbing away?  Not to mention everyone there is on drugs.

The lead singer will often sodomize the bassist throughout the show.  The audience is usually unaware as they are at this point having a drug fueled orgy on the floor.  The Black Lips conclude each show by sacrificing a dog or cat that they have stolen from a local animal shelter to their lord and master Satan.

My church group has been picketing these Devil Masses for years now.  Anytime we are able to prevent even one person from being corrupted by these awful Satanmongers, we feel we have saved a soul for Jesus.  I will be praying for you.  I hope that the lord Jesus Christ will turn your eyes and ears away from the Devil and his evil band.  I would highly suggest you read your Bible and listen to more wholesome music like Reba McEntire and Toby Keith.  I understand what it's like to be young and confused.  I was once like you until someone showed me the path to pure salvation.

Good Luck to you, and may Jesus shine his glorious light on you and point you in the right direction.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Gabriel

Wow seriously lady you are crazy!!!  You dont know whow all kinds of wrong you are! Black Lips aren ATHEISTS and dont even beleive in god or satan so they cant be bad like that!!  And just becuse they kiss once during that ONE SONG!!! doen't mean theyre homosexual or gay.  Theyre making fun of the people who are CONDMMING them!  

Im on my way I already Got my TICKETS  waiting 4 me, so if ur chooch group[ is waiting 4 us we dont give a FUCK about u!  BAD KIDS!!!!

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To: Gabriel

From: Jacky

Dude,

I'm just cranking you, man.  I have never even heard of The Black Lips until I saw your ad online.  Then I checked out some of their tracks on MySpace and youtube, and HOLY SHIT!!11!  The Black Lips are just awful!

I'm just trying to have fun.  This is my first internet.

Jacky

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To: Jacky

From: Gabriel

No way lady.  THEY JUSY KISSS.  Fucki you its not gay it's pissing you off!!!

 

Juicy Couture Sunglasses for Guitar Hero

Original ad:

Juicy Couture sunglasses for Guitar Hero

Hi there I am wanting to trade my never worn shades of couture by juicy couture oversized sunglasses for any of the following ps3 items: any guitar hero bundles, band hero bundles, or rock band bundles.

I bought these glasses at solstice on sale for $80 and have only tried them on a couple of times. I have never actually worn them out or anything and they have just been sitting in the pink juicy case in my dresser for a while now. These would make a wonderful x-mas gift for any girl! I was going to put them on e-bay but I've been wanting these guitar games so I figured I'd try this first.

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To:  Lauren

From: Jacky

Hey Baby!  I've got a Guitar Hero 5 bundle for PS3 if you're really interested.  I've never done this sort of thing before, like trading video games for...well, you know.  But yeah, I'm interested in meeting up and trading.

Jacky Maille

PS--What do the sunglasses and the bar of soap have to do with anything?

======================================

To: Jacky

From: Lauren

Hi Jacky Im interested in the guitar hero 5 for playstation!  Did you read the ad all the way thru?  I'm trading the sunglasses and the case for the game bundle.  I bought them and then never wore them and I want to get my nephew the game for christmas but money is kinda tight so I'm trading them.  Their in perfect condition so if you don't like them they'd make a nice present for someone else!  My #770-xxx-xxxx, you can text me if youre still interested.

Thanks!Lauren

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To: Lauren

From: Jacky

Oh.

I thought you were offering to have sex with me for the game.  I thought that's what you meant when you said you had a juicy cooter.

My bad.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Lauren

ARE YOU rEALLY THAT STUPID??!1  juicy couture is a designer brand you idiot! You are either trying to be real funny or you are just a stupid 10 year old!  Or you are just retarted!  Whatever you are I hope someone slaps you across your fool face!

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To: Lauren

From: Jacky

Lauren,

I apologize for the misunderstanding.  Ever since Craigslist took the Adult section away, people have been trying to find different creative ways of hooking up there.  I thought that's what you were trying to do.  Sorry.  

Anyway, I have your number, so if I find anyone who is looking for a pair of hideous looking overpriced sunglasses, I'll pass it along.

Good luck and happy holidays!

Jacky

Santa For Hire

Original ad:


SANTA 4 HIRE!!
I AM YOUR SANTA FOR HIRE. MY PRICES ARE RECESSION PROOF AND I AM WILLING TO TRAVEL! 


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To: Santa
From: Jacky Maille


Dear Santa,

I could very much use your services.  I am the head of a large sales office that has been hit hard by the recession.  On December 15th,  I am going to be forced to lay off 250 employees.  These are going to mostly be middle class family type people.  They aren't aware that it's coming yet.  What I thought would be nice was to have Santa come on on the day that the layoffs are announced and hand out the pink slips. In the spirit of the holiday (and to prove I'm not a total Scrooge) I'm also going to be giving each laid-off employee a $10 Wendy's gift card, which you could also hand out.  After each laid-off employee gets their pink slip and gift card, security will escort them off the property.  I figure the festivities should last last no more than an hour, and I'll pay you $25 for your time.  Interested?

Jacky Maille

Operations Manager

Akimbo Software Solutions

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To: Jacky

From: Santa

I am already bookd thru the end of December an I am afraid I will have to decline your invitation. If you decide to look for another Santa you should probably know that the going rate for a Santa is between $75-$250 per HOUR.  A Real Beard Santa starts at $250 and for corporate events can go up to $1000 an hour. Costume rental is round $95 a day but most are already reserved before November.

Good luck and Merry Christmas

PS: I don't think its quite in the Holiday Spirit to do what you plan to do.  You should wait at least until after the New Year.  Just my two cents.

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To: Santa

From: Jacky

Dear Santa,

Just who in the blue hell are you to lecture me about what is in the "holiday spirit"?  Since when does a "Santa for Hire" who claims to be "recession proof" get the nerve to tell someone how to spend their American Express Corporate Card?  You're the one who's being a Scrooge, pal.    You place an ad on a very reputable website like Craigslist advertising a "recession proof Santa" who's "willing to travel" and then turn down my very generous offer to spread Holiday Cheer to what would otherwise be a gloomy event. And you have the gall to tell me how much to pay someone else? You must be the LeBron Fuckin' James of Santa Clauses!  

Tell you what, I'll pay you $55 for one hour and I'll give you two of those Wendy's gift cards.  That's my final offer.

Jacky Maille

Chief Thief Manager

Akimbo Software Solutions

==========================

Two days later

To: Jacky

From: Santa

Santa doesn't like being pranked.  Pranksters go on the naughty list and get their e mails addresses reproted to craigslist.

Hohohoho MERRY CHRISTMAS

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No Respect for the Dead: Leslie Nielsen (1926-2010)

Legendary comic actor Leslie Nielsen passed away yesterday  from pneumonia in a hospital.  Which is a big building with lots of patients in it, but that's not important.  He was 84 and 1/3.   When my friend told me he had died, I said, "Surely you can't be serious!"  He said, "I am.  And please don't call me Shirley.  I would have told you earlier, but he wasn't dead then."  I said, "84 is a good age."  To which he replied, "Well, not for him!"

He had been admitted to the hospital for pneumonia.  Doctors said he had a 50/50 chance of living.  But there was only a 10% chance of that.  It is not known yet whether he ate the fish.

Leslie Nielsen:  Dead and Loving It!

Thanks for the funny.

Flesh-Eating Cockatiel

Original ad:


Hand-fed cockatiel, very loving and smart. Says several phrases and has learned to talk easily. Will be a year old in feb. Loves to play games and go for rides on your sholder. I had to move and must sell. $75 cage and all! Needs veggies and good quality seed daily. Very low maintenance. 

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To: Susan
From: Jacky

Good luck selling your bird.  I don't think anyone would really want a cockatiel that eats hands.

Jacky Maille

============================

To: Jacky

From: Susan

Jacky,

That was without a doubt, the most IGNORANT thing I have ever heard in my life.  And I am a High School teacher!

I am not going to even dignify your IGNORANCE by explaining what hand-fed means.  Perhaps you should spend you online time on websites like College Humor and Fark, and leave Craigslist to intelligent adults.

Good day to you,

Susan Bxxxx

Short & Thick Stud

Original ad:

Short and thick pit for stud

he is a proven stud, rednose with tiger stripe markings(brindle), very good temperment, great stud dog.. if interested will send you pics. Let me know when your girl ready! Thanks! 

678-xxx-xxxx

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To:  Aaron

From: Jacky Maille

Heeey!

Whassup Short n' Thick?  Baby you know my girl always be ready!  What you got in mind?  You can send me pics.  I'll holla!

Jacky

================================

To: Jacky

From: Aaron

(All I got was pictures of this dog)


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To: Aaron
From: Jacky

Whateva,

We both know you aint talkin' 'bout no damn mutt.  We talkin' bout you taking me and my girl to Red Lobster and then gettin' some booty.  Be real.

Jacky

=================================

To: Jacky

From: Aaron

um no im talkin bout my dog!

=================================

To: Aaron

From: Jacky

Whoah Baby!

Calm yo' tits!  You aint backing outta this shit, aw hell no!  You can try to block my e-mail, but you done went and left your phone number up there on Craigslist for me!  As soon as I'm done with my period, Imma call you and we gonna do this!  You promised me a short and thick stud, and you're gonna give me a short and thick stud!

Jacky

SNAKES!!!

Original ad:


need someone to come and remove some baby snakes not sure what type but they need to be gone i have killed 2 and theses a nest of them
not sure what type they are but they need to go
i have found some pictures online and kinda looks like a rat snake but im not taking any chances

if u want a snake or many snakes come get them
picture attached is what it looks like just a little smaller 

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To: Summer
From: Jacky

The snake in that picture is a Jamaican Brown snake.  They don't get very big, but they're some of the deadliest on the planet if they bite you!  They're native to the island of Jamaica, but have come to the continent via drug smuggling ships.  If you have a whole nest of them in your house, you need to get the hell away from there ASAP!  Call the State Wildlife Commission.  Believe me, I am an expert on snakes, and I know that a nest of those guys will take over your property and then your whole neighborhood.  Above all else, please be careful!

Jacky Maille

Snake Expert

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To: Jacky

From: Summer

ive killed 2  so far and their is more back there but I looked it up and to me they appear to be a rat snake. I mean if they are what you said then I am terrified because I have a 4 year old that isnt scared of them. I dunno ill take a pic of the last one i killed and send it to you and let you see what it looks like.

=======================================

To: Summer

From: Jacky

Summer,

Just be careful.  Jamaican Brown snakes hunt in packs.  You really should just get the hell out of there.  Seriously.

Jacky 

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To: Jacky

From: Summer

i call bullshit on u my husband says jaimacan brown snakes arent poisonous.

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To: Summer

From: Jacky

Slummer,

Who are you going to believe, your husband who was dumb enough to hold a snake he couldn't identify just so he could take a picture?  Or me, a world-renowned snake expert?

So be it.  I'll be sure to come to your funerals and let your surviving friends and family know that I tried to save you.   

May your god have mercy on your souls,

Jacky Maille

Lord of the Snakes

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To: Jacky

From:  Summer

ufck u they were rat snakes u asshole!

climbin' in yo windows, sssnatching yo people up!