Monday, November 29, 2010

No Respect for the Dead: Leslie Nielsen (1926-2010)


Legendary comic actor Leslie Nielsen passed away yesterday  from pneumonia in a hospital.  Which is a big building with lots of patients in it, but that's not important.  He was 84 and 1/3.   When my friend told me he had died, I said, "Surely you can't be serious!"  He said, "I am.  And please don't call me Shirley.  I would have told you earlier, but he wasn't dead then."  I said, "84 is a good age."  To which he replied, "Well, not for him!"

He had been admitted to the hospital for pneumonia.  Doctors said he had a 50/50 chance of living.  But there was only a 10% chance of that.  It is not known yet whether he ate the fish.


Leslie Nielsen:  Dead and Loving It!



Thanks for the funny.



Thursday, November 18, 2010

Flesh-Eating Cockatiel



Original ad:


Hand-fed cockatiel, very loving and smart. Says several phrases and has learned to talk easily. Will be a year old in feb. Loves to play games and go for rides on your sholder. I had to move and must sell. $75 cage and all! Needs veggies and good quality seed daily. Very low maintenance. 

============================

To: Susan
From: Jacky


Good luck selling your bird.  I don't think anyone would really want a cockatiel that eats hands.

Jacky Maille

============================

To: Jacky
From: Susan

Jacky,

That was without a doubt, the most IGNORANT thing I have ever heard in my life.  And I am a High School teacher!

I am not going to even dignify your IGNORANCE by explaining what hand-fed means.  Perhaps you should spend you online time on websites like College Humor and Fark, and leave Craigslist to intelligent adults.

Good day to you,
Susan Bxxxx

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Short & Thick Stud

Original ad:


Short and thick pit for stud

he is a proven stud, rednose with tiger stripe markings(brindle), very good temperment, great stud dog.. if interested will send you pics. Let me know when your girl ready! Thanks! 
678-xxx-xxxx

=================================

To:  Aaron
From: Jacky Maille

Heeey!

Whassup Short n' Thick?  Baby you know my girl always be ready!  What you got in mind?  You can send me pics.  I'll holla!

Jacky

================================

To: Jacky
From: Aaron




(All I got was pictures of this dog)


================================


To: Aaron
From: Jacky



Whateva,

We both know you aint talkin' 'bout no damn mutt.  We talkin' bout you taking me and my girl to Red Lobster and then gettin' some booty.  Be real.

Jacky


=================================

To: Jacky
From: Aaron

um no im talkin bout my dog!


=================================

To: Aaron
From: Jacky

Whoah Baby!

Calm yo' tits!  You aint backing outta this shit, aw hell no!  You can try to block my e-mail, but you done went and left your phone number up there on Craigslist for me!  As soon as I'm done with my period, Imma call you and we gonna do this!  You promised me a short and thick stud, and you're gonna give me a short and thick stud!

Jacky







Saturday, November 13, 2010

SNAKES!!!

Original ad:


need someone to come and remove some baby snakes not sure what type but they need to be gone i have killed 2 and theses a nest of them
not sure what type they are but they need to go
i have found some pictures online and kinda looks like a rat snake but im not taking any chances

if u want a snake or many snakes come get them
picture attached is what it looks like just a little smaller 

























======================================


To: Summer
From: Jacky




The snake in that picture is a Jamaican Brown snake.  They don't get very big, but they're some of the deadliest on the planet if they bite you!  They're native to the island of Jamaica, but have come to the continent via drug smuggling ships.  If you have a whole nest of them in your house, you need to get the hell away from there ASAP!  Call the State Wildlife Commission.  Believe me, I am an expert on snakes, and I know that a nest of those guys will take over your property and then your whole neighborhood.  Above all else, please be careful!

Jacky Maille
Snake Expert

======================================

To: Jacky
From: Summer

ive killed 2  so far and their is more back there but I looked it up and to me they appear to be a rat snake. I mean if they are what you said then I am terrified because I have a 4 year old that isnt scared of them. I dunno ill take a pic of the last one i killed and send it to you and let you see what it looks like.

=======================================

To: Summer
From: Jacky

Summer,

Just be careful.  Jamaican Brown snakes hunt in packs.  You really should just get the hell out of there.  Seriously.

Jacky 

========================================

To: Jacky
From: Summer

i call bullshit on u my husband says jaimacan brown snakes arent poisonous.

=========================================

To: Summer
From: Jacky

Slummer,

Who are you going to believe, your husband who was dumb enough to hold a snake he couldn't identify just so he could take a picture?  Or me, a world-renowned snake expert?
So be it.  I'll be sure to come to your funerals and let your surviving friends and family know that I tried to save you.   

May your god have mercy on your souls,

Jacky Maille
Lord of the Snakes

===============================

To: Jacky
From:  Summer

ufck u they were rat snakes u asshole!

climbin' in yo windows, sssnatching yo people up!


Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Karaoke God





Original ad:


Karaoke and Live D.J. every Tuesday night at Xxxxxx Tavern in Downtown Villa Rica. 8:30 til 11:30
Great food and Entertainment.!

=========================

To: James
From: Jacky Maille

Hello there!

My name is Jacky Maille.  I'm sure you've heard of me.  I saw your posting about karaoke on Tuesday nights at Xxxxxx Tavern.  I'm currently looking for a new place to go on Tuesdays.  My old Tuesday night spot closed down (despite all the great business I helped them get), so I'm looking for a new place to go.  Can you tell me a little more about the establishment?  Also, what kind of crowd hangs out there?

Thank you in advance for the information,

Jacky Maille

=========================

To: Jacky
From: James

Jacky,

Thanks for your interest.  Xxxxxx Tavern is located at 600 xxxxxxx hwy in downtown Villa Rica, nest to Advance Autoparts.  They have great food and drinks, pool tables, darts and sports.  The crowd is a good mix of all kinds of people young and old (21+ only).  Karaoke starts at 8:30 every Tuesday night.  Hope to see you there!

=========================

To: James 
From: Jacky

James,

That sounds great.  I may be willing to give your place a try.  If I'm impressed, then I'll definitely come back.
I'm sure you're aware of who I am, but just in case, I'll explain:

I am, of course, a Karaoke legend!  I am known in many places in the Atlanta area for my mad singing skills.  Every business that I frequent sees a larger crowd on Karaoke nights because of me.  Just ask the folks at Sweetwater Bar & Grill, Sportstime, or Loobies.  They'll tell you.  I always get free drinks from the bartenders because they see their tips double on the nights I'm there.  People always tell me that I could win American Idol because I'm such a good singer.  I plan to audition the next time they come to Atlanta.  I have many songs in my repertoire.  I'm always singing something different.  I usually do slow jams and R&B, but sometimes I'll mix it up with a little pop or reggae.

What I usually do is this:  I'll send my sister in around 10:45 to let you know that I've arrived and waiting in the parking lot.  She'll let you know the songs I plan on singing.  I won't actually make my appearance until you announce me (my sister will come out to the minivan to let me know when I am up).  I like to sit out in the  minivan and practice my songs before I come in.  I prefer to be the last singer of the show.  I always do one encore.  If the crowd is really good and feeling me, then I'll do two.  Afterwards, I like to chill at a table with some honeys and sipping free mai tais.

I'll be sure to give this place a chance next Tuesday night.  I'll see you then.

Jacky Maille

=========================

To: Jacky
From: James

That sounds great Jacky.   Just so you know, the songlist is 1st come 1st serve.  I usually fill up the songlist by like 9:15 or 9:30 so you may want to get there early if you want to sing.  Hope to see you there.

James

=========================

To: James
From: Jacky

Jimbo,

I think I made myself pretty clear in my last e-mail about how I perform.  You can ask any other KJ in the area and they'll tell you just how damn good I am.  I AM A KARAOKE GOD!!!  But that's okay.  You'll see how it is after one night.  Maybe you can come up to Sweetwater tonight where I'll be performing and you'll see how it goes down.  Trust me, you and the bar owner will be thanking me for my presence.

Yours truly,
Jacky Maille

=========================

To: Jacky
From: James

Jacky,

No thanks man.  We're cool.  Maybe you should just stick with the places you already go b/c the bartenders don't give out free drinks and our karaoke is 1st come  1st serve.  Nobodys looking to get famous we're just all looking to have a ggod time.  Good luck
James

=========================

To: James
From: Jacky

Jimmy,

Whatever.  You already said you hope to see me there so no takesies backsies! I'll be up there next Tuesday night to show you what I can do.  I'm thinking about doing "On Bended Knee" by Boyz II Men for starters, and maybe "Raspberry Beret" by Prince as an encore.  I'll send my sister in to let you know when I get there.
Are you looking forward to it?  I know you are!

The Legend,
Jacky Maille