Sunday, September 26, 2010

Brazil Butt Lift



Original ad:


Wanted: Brazil Butt Lift DVDs
If you have any unused or used in great condition, please get back to me. I'll pay up to $40. Thanks.

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To: Elanor
From: Jacky

Hi there,

I saw your ad and I'd love to help.  I don't have the exact title you're looking for, but I have quite a collection of similar DVDs that I'm looking to sell.  I was just going to sell them on E-bay, but if you're interested I can send you my list of titles and see if there are some you might be interested in.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Elanor

Jacky,
Thanks for answering my ad! You're the only person who's replied to me lol!  I'm looking for that specific DVD set, Brazil Butt Lift.  Send me your list and I'll see if theres any that I can use or maybe use as christmas presents as long as there in good condition.

Elanor Rxxxxxx

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To: Elanor
From: Jacky

Elanor,
I can assure you that all my DVDs are in pristine condition.  I'm very proud of my collection but circumstances beyond my control are forcing me to part ways with them.  Here's my list:

Puerto Rican Big Booty Shake
Big, Black, and Beautiful
Big Booty Lesbos in Hawaii
Big Booty Lesbos in Hollywood
A Beautiful Behind
American Booty
Buttman & Throbbin
Backdoor Adventures of Beaver and Butthead
Gulp Fiction
Hump Backed at Notre Dame
Lord of the G-Strings (Big Butt Special Edition)
Star Whores: The Empire Licks Crack
They Came From the Planet Butt
Wonka's Willy and The Fudge Packery
White Men Can't Hump

If you're interested in any or all of these, let me know.  I'll give you a great deal on some or all of them.

Jacky

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To Jacky
From: Elanor

I am not amused.

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To: Elanor
From: Jacky

Elaine,

Hey, I'm not amused either.  After I got fired from my job at the daycare center, I was forced to move back into my mom's basement.  She's one of those religious freaks who thinks her house is "unclean" because of my DVD collection so she's forcing me to get rid of them.  Listen, I'll sell you all 15 for $30.  That's like two bucks a title!  And Lord of the G-Strings is a three disc set, so it's an even better deal.  Let me know!

Jacky

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To: Jacky
From: Elanor

OMG!  I'm not surprised you got fired from your job you fucking perv!  And at a daycare center!  Go away and leave me alone before I report you to the sex offenders list!




Sunday, September 19, 2010

Well-Loved Ottoman

Original ad:


I'm looking for an upholstered ottoman with a max width of 28 inches to put next to my couch.
Please only e-mail me if you have a picture attached.
Thanks!

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To: Otto
From: Jacky Maille

Hi there,

I have an ottoman that I'm looking to get rid of. You might say it's been well-loved.  It's yours for ten bucks.  You can pick it up today if you're interested.  Also, I can do better than just a picture.  I'm attaching a video of me and my boys showing the many uses this ottoman has.



Let me know if you're interested.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Otto

Fuck you faggot.  And your faggot friends too.  Don't ever contact me anymore.

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To: Otto
From: Jacky

I can assure you that the ottoman has been tested for herpes and it's clean.  On second thought, I've decided not to sell it.  I just can't bear the thought of my ottoman in someone else's house getting humped by some stranger who doesn't love it the way me and my homeboys do.  Sorry to waste your time.

Jacky "Pipelayer" Maille

Friday, September 17, 2010

Cock Retrievers Pt. 2: Jacky Gets Busted!

Back in May I posted an entry entitled "Cock Retriever" where I attempted to talk this dude into breeding his Cocker Spaniel with "Puddytat", my [fictional] Flat-Coated Retriever.  Recently, I ran across an ad where the person was looking for a Retriever mix puppy, so I sprang into action.  The result wasn't quite what I expected, but it's good to know that Jacky Maille is high up on Google's search engine.  


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Original ad:


We are looking for our first family dog and would like a 4 or 5 month old female golden retriever mix. Preferably a mini golden/golden cocker retriever/english comfort golden/dakota sport retriever... all of which are mainly golden retriever with a little cocker spaniel and/or poodle mix. Want the look of a golden retriever without the large size. 


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To: Michael Bxxx
From: Jacky Maille



I was so happy to see your ad online!  My Flat-Coated Retriever bitch, Puddytat (AKC Registered) was studded out to an English Cocker Spaniel (named Lawrence Welkbubbles) last June.  Several weeks ago, Puddytat whelped 6 Cock Retriever pups. 3 Male 4 Female.

Now keep in mind, Cock Retrievers aren't common yet, but soon they will be the most sought after designer breed in the world!  My deal is this:  You buy one of my female Cock Retriever pups for $1000, and I'll allow you to breed her with another one of my Cock Retrievers.  Soon we will both have Cock Retriever puppies sell Cock Retrievers to families all around the world!

Are you interested?  Let's make this work!

Jacky Maille




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To: Jacky
From: Michael

That sound like a good ideas but we dont have that kind of money to spenf....we are just lookingfor a family dog to adapt not to make investments.  PS you should come up with a differnt name for your puppies becuse Cock retriever just sounds vulger and you might not be able to make money with a name like that.

Michael Bxxx

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To: Michael
From: Jacky

Mickel,

I'm sorry to hear that you're not interested in being one of the first Cock Retriever owners in the US.  It's a well-known fact that designer dogs are the newest craze that's sweeping the Nation.  It's a can't miss oppurtunity.  If I were you, I'd take out a title loan on your truck or minivan or whatever in order to cough up the cash.  You're looking at having a litter of six to eight puppies  that you can sell for a $1000 each.   Trust me when I say that in five years, no self-respecting gay man is going to be without his very own Cock Retriever.  I still have two females left, so if you're still interested please let me know by the end of the week!
I might be willing to break up the payments for you; $500 deposit and $500 when the puppies are weaned and ready for placement.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Michael

FUCK YOU111
My daughter did an internet lookup on your name and found your websight where you have pulled this scam before.  We are a vry religious family and we are not going to be scammed by people like you.  

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To: Michael
From: Jacky

Mack,

Haha...I am often confused for the Jacky Maille that runs that blog.   That guy is quite the legend!  I can assure you that I merely share a name with him. Kind of like I'm sure you share a name with other Mike Bell's.  I must inform you however that I have sold my last two females to a nice couple in Midtown.  I'm hoping to have another litter early next year when Puddytat recovers, and I will contact you when that happens.  In the meantime, Jesus bless you!

Jacky

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To: Jacky
From: Michael

This will be thae last you hear from me.  I warn you that if I see my name on your websight I will call the police and report you to the FBI.  your days are numberd ASSHOLE111

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Glad to see that religion is working so well for this guy!  Consequences will never be the same!




Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dear Kroger: Your Labels Lie!

Kroger is a rather large grocery store chain based out of Cincinnati, Ohio with stores all across the United States.  Like many retailers, they have their own generic brand-name products on the shelves alongside the major label goods.  The following is an unedited correspondence I had with Kroger's "Consumer Affairs" Department concerning their labeling on a can of olives.  Remember dear reader:  Jacky Maille is always on the lookout for you, the consumer!  Enjoy!

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To: Kroger
From: Jacky Maille

Dear Kroger,

 I was recently browsing through one of your fine stores last week when I ran across a can of Kroger Brand Ripe Olives (Small Pitted).  The picture on the can depicted four ripe, delicious black olives on a bed of luscious penne pasta and roasted red peppers with just the right amount of what appears to be oregano.  I thought to myself, "My what a tasty snack that would make!"  So I purchased the can and went home.  I opened up the can and emptied it out in a bowl, eagerly anticipating my newfound Mediterranean feast.  It was all olives.  No pasta.  No roasted red peppers.  Nothing but olives.  I returned to the same location the next day and bought another can, thinking perhaps I had a defective can.  But alas, same thing:  olives only.  I feel as though I have been defrauded by your labeling and packaging company.  I had every intent to purchase a canned mouth-watering olive-pasta-red pepper treat.  Instead, I only got olives.
I am very upset with you and I hope we can come to some happy resolution on this whole deal.

Sincerely,
Jacky Maille

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To:  Jacky Maille
From: Christie Mxxxxxxx, Consumer Affairs

Dear Ms. Maille:
Thank you for contacting The Kroger Co.  I apologize for the delay in responding to your email.  The product is clearly labeled as black olives.  The picture of the pasta salad is merely a suggestion on how the olives may be used.

If you have any further concerns or questions please feel free to contact us at 800.632.6900.

Sincerely,

Christie Mxxxxxxxx
Consumer Affairs

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To: Christie@Kroger
From: Jacky Maille



Chestie,

Thank you for your reply.  Perhaps the blame lies with me.  I never learned how to read when I was young.  It's something I'm very sensitive about.  Anyway, from now on I know that whenever I buy a Kroger Brand product, I'm only going to get a third of what is depicted on the label.  Thank you for clearing this up for me. 
Hey, at least you guys have those cool TV carts to ride around in.  Has anyone ever suggested maybe adding some leg room so adults like myself can ride in them more comfortably?  Hey, maybe you could have previews of upcoming DVD releases on them.  Just an idea. Hey,  good luck with that ice cream recall, by the way.

Sinfully,
Jacky Maille






Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Rent My Creepy Van

I'm not sure, but I think the humor might have gone way over this dude's head...


Original ad:


van needed for 2 weeks to florida

i am looking to rent a reliable window van at least 8 seats for family to go to sights aroundAtlanta for a week and then Florida for a week careful driver 

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To: Dennis
From: Jacky

Hello,

I recently purchased a van at a police auction.  It's a slightly older model, but it should seat your family fairly comfortably.  I'm sure you could probably take your dog with you too.

E-mail me back if you're still interested.  I can give you more details and send along some pics.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Dennis

please send me more details please thanks dennis

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To: Dennis 
From: Jacky

Dennis,
This is what I was told from the people at the police auction:
The van has a lot of mileage on it, but it is in tip-top shape.  It's previous owners were a group of college dropouts who took it all over the country, working odd jobs here and there.  They were finally busted here in Georgia for running a mobile meth-lab out of the back.  

It's clean now and has new tires and belts.  Attached is a photo.  Let me know what you think.


Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Dennis

sorry i need window van thanks

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To: Dennis
From: Jacky

Denzel,

No problem my friend.  Hell, sometimes I think the kooky thing is haunted.  My Great Dane always gets freaked out when I take him for a ride in it.

Jacky

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