Monday, May 31, 2010

Fun with Omegle--Crystal Meth Edition

You know, for someone who's never been a meth-head I do a pretty good impression of one. Towards the end here I was laughing so hard I couldn't see to type. Once again, Omegle is a random chat website that lets you talk anonymously to complete strangers. Whoever came up with the concept is a freakin' genius and is my hero.

Dramatis personae:
You = Me
Stranger = Stranger

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hihihihihihihihi
Stranger: hihihihihihihihi
You: I need a fucking break already
Stranger: just fuck with your keyboard
You: I've been cleaning my trailer since midnight and I've had six kids over here since 8am
You: I've been soooo jacked up on meth for like three days straight
Stranger: so what would you do?
You: I need my boyfriend to go get me more meth but the shitweasel got locked up again
You: if I don't get some more, I'm going to go apeshit on all these kids
Stranger: lol
Stranger: why you dont kill them?
You: because I get paid to watch them. well, four of them anyway. the other two are mine
Stranger: i c
Stranger: where is your boyfriend?
You: jail, probably
Stranger: lol
You: that's usually where he is when I don't hear from him for a few days
You: when he gets out, I'm going to rip his dick off with my bare fucking hands and feed it to the neighbors rottweiler
Stranger: you miss him so much right?
You: no, but like I said, I need to get some more fucking meth, and I don't want to have to go to the liquor store and suck some dick to get some
You: it's like 30 minutes away and I'd have to leave the 6 year old in charge again
You: and last time she let the kids go through the knife drawer
Stranger: lol
Stranger: so fucked up
You: you better believe it
You: you a girl too?
Stranger: nope
Stranger: i'm a male
Stranger: lol
You: so you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about
You: you've never had to suck dick for drugs probably
You: word of advice: Drink some fucking pineapple juice.
Stranger: so girl have big sense right?
Stranger: yeah do what u want girl
You: I'm sick of all you men having nasty ass tasting jizz
You: if I wanted that taste in my mouth, I'd suck on my tampon
You: I'm sorry...I didn't mean to go off
You: please don't go away...
Stranger: whatever
You: I just get so sketchy sometimes when I'm coming down
You: and these kids are driving up a MOTHER FUCKING WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Stranger: why you still do this job?
You: I'm're probably a nice guy.
You: tell me about yourself
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: i feel shame
You: why? what's wrong?
You: tell me
Stranger: cause i have no good english
You: what's your name?
You: My name is Jacky
Stranger: my name is Idan
Stranger: where do you live?

You: Jasper, GA
You: Where do you live, Dan?
Stranger: im indonesian
You: really? I have an aunt that lives there...
Stranger: wow
You: right outside Gary Indiana, actually
You: she used to send me money, but she stopped a a year or so ago.
You: I don't hold it against you or anything. Not all people from Indiana are assholes
Stranger: i c
Stranger: you're just depressed
Stranger: are you still feeling down?
You: Oh, so you're a doctor now? Doctor Dan from Indiana!!! Well fuck you Doctor Dan FUCK YOU!!!!
You: I will crawl through this fucking monitor and come out on your side in Indiana and I'll bite your fucking dick off too!!!
Stranger: wow, you're bad
You: I still have most of my front teeth you know
Stranger: think i must disconnect with you
You: typical man
You: only after this pussy
Stranger: sorry im just a kid
Stranger: yeah, i know
Stranger: because you grow up like your grandma
Stranger: is your grandma a man?
You: oh so now you're so clever, aren't you doctor Dan?
You: You don't know my grandma. Ever since she got out of prison she's been a saint
Stranger: im a doctor
You: goes to church every Sunday
Stranger: and her god is satan, right?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cock Retriever

Original ad:
Cocker Spaniel Needs Female Mate
38 lbs 6 years old Blonde adult male needs mate. Looking for female Cocker Spaniel mate, ownees will split litter in half after 8 to 10 weeks. with mother.

To: Shaun xxxxxx
From: Jacky Maille
Subj: Doggy Date

Hi there!

I was very excited to run across your ad! I too am a dog lover and have been blessed to have many canine companions throughout my life. I think we can help each other out and start something huge. Not to mention let our dogs get a little lovin' on the side ;)

I have a 2 year-old black Flat Coated Retriever bitch named named Puddytat (AKC Registered). I am interested in breeding her with a Cocker Spaniel so that I can create my own line of designer dogs: Cock Retrievers! I figure with the rise of such designer breeds like Labradoodles, YorkiePoos, Schnorkies, etc., the world is definitely ready for Cock Retrievers! I'm estimating that people will pay between $850-$1000 for a Cock Retriever. Of course, you and I will split the proceeds 50/50.

Puddytat has not had puppies yet, but she came from a litter of 8. So we're looking to split between 6 to 8 thousand bucks!
How about it? Reply back to this e-mail address, and we'll try to set up a doggy date and unleash an army of Cock Retrievers on the world!

Jacky Maille


To: Jacky
From: Shaun
re: Doggy Date

Thats gotta be some of the gayest shit I ever heard. Sorry but not interested. We want cocker puppies. Not mutts.

To: Shaun
From: Jacky

I'm sorry you feel that way Shawnnie. I beg you to reconsider though. First of all, a Cock Retriever is not a mutt. It's a bonafide designer dog. People who hunt with dogs would pay top dollar for a Cock Retriever. And you mentioned that my offer sounded gay. Exactly! Do you know how many gay people live in Atlanta (not that there's anything wrong with that)? These guys would be all over Piedmont Park proudly walking their Cock Retrievers. It'll be the new status symbol, much like inner city thugs with their Pit Bulls. And everyone knows gay people have more disposable income than the rest of us, as they don't have kids like the rest of us. So of course, they'll pay top dollar too.

We really should set something up the sooner the better. Puddytat is getting ready to go into heat and I'm sure she's ready to get some Cocker cock all up in her. Let me know!

Jacky Maille

To: Jacky
From: Shaun

I'm sur if you put up an ad on craigslist you can find someone to help you out. We already found a mate for our dog thank you very much. And you got some weird shit to say bout gay people. My wifes cousin is gay and hes always broke.

To: Shaun
From: Jacky

I hate to hear that Shane. You could have made thousands on a litter of genuine Cock Retrievers, but instead you decided to create more boring-ass psycho puppies who grow up to be boring-ass psycho dogs that can't control their bladders and pee everywhere and then you're begging people to take them off your hands. Great. But ten years from now when Cock Retrievers are the most popular designer dogs in the US, don't come crying to me about how you missed your golden opportunity. You'll be sitting in your living room watching an Animal Planet special on the popularity of Cock Retrievers while your little Spaniels are busy peeing all over the place. They'll be interviewing me and you'll go, "Man I coulda got in on that action from the very beginning. I shoulda listened to that dude!"

Oh well. Best of luck to you Shamus, and your little piddlers.

Jacky Maille

To: Jacky
From: Shaun

Man your crazy. I'm glad you mentioned you were a dude cuz I was really wondering. Maybe I'll see you in the park with your gay friends and your gay dogs.

Gun for Trade

None of the following exchanges went the way I was hoping. I sincerely doubt that the dude really called the cops on me. I certainly have not committed a crime here (they haven't outlawed being an idiot yet, have they?). Although, I would have to question the legality of bartering guns on Craigslist.
Anyway, just to help make sense of what you're about to read, Dxxxxxx is the guy with the ad (I'm not going to reveal his name or anything. Judging by his e-mail address, he's probably not too well put together mentally.)Both Jacky & Rosie Maille are me.

Original Ad:
tokarev 9mm for trade
i'm looking to trade my 9mm for a 22 or 25 in pistol or revolver ! may consider rifle or shotgun !

From: Jacky Maille
Subj: Tokarev 9mm for trade
Hey there,

I was wondering if I could maybe just borrow that gun to shoot my whore of a wife.


To: Jacky
From: Dxxxxxx
re: tokarev 9mm for trade

i just called the police where i live to give them this email you just sent me ! what a fucking idiot ! they will find and arrest you for makeing that stupid statement !!!!!!! and damn idiot now i'll have to go to your trial

To: Jacky
cc: Dxxxxxx
From: Rosie Maille


To: Rosie
cc: Dxxxxxx
From: Jacky
re: tokarev 9mm for trade

What the hell are you doing on the computer Rosie? I figured you'd be downtown sucking some bums dick. I wasn't even going to really get that gun, except to maybe shoot myself. Anything to get away from you.

Dude, I have to apologize for my wife. I was just messing around. Depression will do that to a man. Especially when you've been married to a worthless whore of a wife for 16 years.

To: Jacky
From: Dxxxxxx
re: tokarev 9mm for trade

i'm sorry but i already emailed the message to the police and just got off the phone with them ! dude that was the most stupid thing you could have done ! i don't care what the fuck your wife has done you don't make statements like that and i just got a call there sending a officer to my house to see the message you sent ! i'll also have to show them your last reply also !

To: Jacky
cc: Dxxxxxx
From: Rosie


To: Dxxxxxx
cc: Rosie
From: Jacky
re: tokarev 9mm for trade

I'll just go ahead and apologize right now. I don't even know how to use a gun anyway. If you have some sturdy rope that I can hang myself from though, that'd be great. And I'd also like to apologize for my wife. I wish I could offer some explanation as to her issues, but even Sigmund Freud would be confused.

As for you, Rosie, I can't believe you're actually on a computer and not blowing Roger down the street again. You wouldn't know how to use a fucking gun either. You'd probably shoot a hole in the ceiling because your mouth would be crammed full of hobo dick.

To: Jacky
From: Dxxxxxx
re: tokarev 9mm for trade

you can act like an idiot all you want but you want be laughing after while ! you fucked your on self shit for brains ! bye

Friday, May 28, 2010

Fun with Omegle--Sarah Palin Edition

If you've never tried Omegle, I highly recommend it! The concept is simple: Talk to strangers! It's like an instant messenger roulette wheel. At any given time, there's between 4,000 to 7,000 people online spinning the wheel. Of course, a good 95% of those people are horny 19 year-old males looking for cyber sex. A good chat on Omegle is like mining for gold nuggets in a mountain of dog turds: If you're patient enough, you'll eventually find a winner.

The following is an unedited and uncensored conversation that took place on Omegle earlier today. "You" is me and "Stranger" is obviously a stranger:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi! I'm Sarah Palin!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: i am varma
You: Gosh, that sounds contagious!
Stranger: nice to meet you Sarah Palin
Stranger: your from?
You: Alaska. I can see Russia from my back yard!
You: Can I call you Joe?
Stranger: okay
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: you can
Stranger: but why?
You: That's just swell!
Stranger: age?
You: 50, but I don't look a day over 47
Stranger: occupation?
You: Well, I was Governor of Alaska, but I quit that job. Too gosh darn hard. Now I let people write books that I put my name on and collect the royalties.
You: What do you do, Joe?
Stranger: student
Stranger: i am just 19
Stranger: which books did you write?
You: Good for you, Joe! Stay in school! Maybe some day you can be Vice President of the good ol' US of A!
Stranger: i am from india
You: Going Rogue (please buy it!)
You: Indiana? I've been there!
Stranger: not indiana, it is india..............
You: What state is that in, Joe?
Stranger: it is country.............second place in world population
You: Oh gosh! Well, I think it's just swell that third world countries have internet access! \
You: And schools too!
You: That's in South America, right?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Jacky Maille Rebooted!

I started this blog back in 2006 with a whopping two entries, then quickly abandoned the whole idea. I suddenly became very busy with other things, like Neopets, work, fishing, and most importantly, the birth of my daughter. Recently, I've had another attack of inspiration/creativity combined with having elbow surgery which has kept me at home with little else to do. So ladies and gents, I'm proud to announce that JACKY MAILLE IS BACK, JACK!!

And this time, he's branching out. Not only will we see dumb e-mails to products like Rice-a-Roni, but he's also going to be playing on Craigslist, Omegle, and anything else that provides an opportunity for tomfoolery, shenanigans, and monkeyshines.

Stay tuned to this site. New entries will be coming soon. Already, Jacky has been having wacky e-mail exchanges with people and non-people. Add him to your favorites, tell your friends, enemies, and your momma to check Jacky Maille 2.0 out.


(Many thanks to my good friend Ruth Dubb for her wonderful illustration of Jacky Maille!)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Take Pictures of Me

Original Ad:
Need female to take sexy pictures of me to send to my girlfriend.
Compensation: $50


My sister and I are both semi-professional photographers and we might just be what you're looking for. We take digital photos simultaneously from two different angles, and combine them on our MacBook pros for a really cool effect. We've been wanting to try erotic photography for some time now. I think your girlfriend will be very pleased.
Please reply soon. I hope you're as excited about this as we are ;)

Jacky & Emma

From: ron xxxxxx
To: Jacky Maille
Sent: Wed, May 26, 2010 7:00:31 AM
Subject: Re: Photographer needed--We can help!

I am interested in viewing one of the pictures that you have combined......seems like a cool ideas.
From: Jacky Maille
To: Ron xxxxxx

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated. But seriously...How much photography are you really expecting? Aren't you more interested in doing other things while in sexy poses? My sister does have a polaroid if you really do want to take a picture or two. ;)


Re: Photographer needed--We can help!
From: ron
To: Jacky Maille

Yes I'm interested in doing other things. Lets hook up! Are you also in the buford area?


Re: Photographer needed--We can help!
From: Jacky Maille
To: ron

Close enough to Buford! I hope you're into 300lb babes!

From:Jacky Maille
To: ron

We haven't heard back from you yet. We're still interested and very excited. We took a picture just for you.

Hit us up with your #!!!

Jacky & Emma

Re: Photographer needed--We can help!
From: Jacky Maille
To: ron

Hey Robbie!
We still haven't heard back from you. My sister really needs that 50 bucks to buy more insulin. Please e-mail back with your #.