Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Nancy-Boy Wants Twilight Tickets





Original ad:


I am in Cobb, and my girlfriend loves Twilight, she really wants to go to the Eclipse screening, 
anyone with extra passes or deciding not to attend, please call me at 770-xxx-xxxx. 
i would gladly take my wonderful girlfriend on a surprise date ;) 
thanks, ben


======================================================================


To: Ben
From: Jacky


Still need those tickets Ben?  I have two for the Regal 10, but I decided to break up with my g/f this morning.  Her loss.
Let me know if you're interested.
Jacky Maille

=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Ben

Jacky,

Sure, I'd love to get those passes from you!  How much are you selling them for?  If i may be so bold, why did you and your girlfriend break up?  You can call me at 770-xxx-xxxx anytime today.
thanks, Ben

=======================================================================

To: Ben
From: Jacky

Benny,

I broke up with my girlfriend because after a hard night of drinking I realized that I could do a lot better than a shallow pedantic child-woman who is obsessed with kiddy-literature written by a watered down Anne Rice wannabe.  Seriously, this girl has made me buy her Edward and Bella dolls, posters, Team Edward t-shirts, pillow cases and whatever else merchandising bullshit you can think of..  It's one thing to be a fan of something, it's another to go criminally insane over what amounts to be the Vampire Muppet Show.  Do yourself a favor, kid, when you turn 30, stop dating teenage girls.  Don't learn your lesson the hard way like I did.

As far as the tickets go, I'll sell them to you for face value.  I feel like an idiot for having stood in line for two hours in the first place and would be well rid of them.  I live over in that area so I could meet you at the Starbucks anytime that's good for you.

Jacky
=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Ben

lol! I'm actually 29 years old and my girlfriend is 30!  Sounds like you really hate the Twilight series.
Which starbucks are you talking about?  Theres like three near the movie theater.
thanks, Ben

=======================================================================

To: Ben
From: Jacky

Benji,
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME???  You're 29 years old and letting your OLDER girlfriend lead you around by your little weenie? Man you are whipped!  Does she scream "EDWARD!" when you're making love to her?  I bet you write her poems while knowing that you'll never be as "perfect" in her eyes as that little sparklefuck Edward.  I thought it was bad enough dating a 17 year-old who was immature, but a 30 year-old?!?  Wow!  That just takes the fucking cake!  Speaking of cake, do you even think you'll be able to make the midnight showing?  I'm not sure what time the all-you-can-eat Golden Corral buffet closes, but it sounds like the two of you must spend a lot of time there.

You know what, Nancy-boy?  I'm not selling you my tickets.  I'm just going to roll them into a joint and smoke them instead.  You need to learn a hard lesson on how to be a man and not let some bug-fuck insane woman-child determine your precious entertainment time.  Time for you to grow a pair, Benjamin.  If you want, I'll sell you my Bill Dance VHS tapes and I'll throw in a copy of Motorhead's Greatest Hits on cassette.
Good luck to you son.

Jacky
=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Ben

Thanks a lot for wastimg my time, ASSHOLE!









Sunday, June 27, 2010

Horny Couple Seeks Roomie

I had no idea how much longer this exchange was going to go on.  This couple came across as either very very desperate, very very horny, or both.  Whatever the case they were completely unflappable.  I hard a hard time finding my way out of this and I finally just gave up.


Original Ad:

$250 iso white female roomie **1st MONTH FREE RENT** 

late 30's couple iso white female roommate. Can be a college student or just female looking for a place to crash. 

MUST be VERY open minded, 420 friendly, and no felonies. alternative lifestyle a plus. response must include name/contact #/location attn:Debbie or Todd 

=================================================================

To: Debbie/Todd
From: Jacky



I didn't think I would actually run across an ad like yours when I went looking on C-list.  I just moved from DC to Smyrna to help out with my ailing Granny, but there's two deadbeat Uncles living there that I don't care to be around when I'm trying to sleep.  I was hoping to find a room for rent nearby.  
My name is Jacky. I'm 28, white, well educated and very open-minded.  I am most definitely "420 friendly" and have never been convicted of a felony.  (I do have a misdemeanor charge from five years ago, but that was in Maryland.) 
As for "alternative lifestyles", I'm into that too.  
Please get back in touch with me if  you're interested and/or if this room is still available. 
xoxoxoxoxoxo,
Jacky 
 =================================================================

To: Jacky 
From: Deb

Hi Jacky,
Yes..we (me and fiance todd) are very interested in speaking with you further.  please send me a contact # and we will be in touch.
thanks,
debbie
=========================================================================

To: Deb
From: Jacky



Debs,
I'm in the process of getting my cell phone number changed from a DC area code to a local one.  As soon as I get that number I'll send it along.
I was thinking however if you meant something different by "420 friendly"?  At first I thought you meant route 420 in Alexandria Virginia, but that wouldn't make sense now would it?  Or maybe it does.
What sort of alternative lifestyles are you interested in?  I like The CureDepeche Mode, REM, Ministry, bands like that.  I used to love watching 120 Minutes on MTV back in the day.  I guess you could say I'm "120 friendly" too!
Jacky
=========================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Deb

actually...thats not quite what I had in mind?  420 usually means...well..I've leave that for a conversation in person.
tell me more about you...pics?  I can still call you on a DC cell # if you like.
in my case...420 means whatever I can get my hands on to smoke and i'm a bifemale.
any problems with either one...let me know.

deb
=================================================================

To: Deb
From: Jacky



Dab,
I didn't realize 420 meant that!  That must be a new thing.  What a relief because I'm baked out of my fucking mind right now! 
One of my dumbass uncles is out with my cell phone right now getting it changed over.  I'm sure there will be stops by several nudie bars along the way.  
I'll try to scan a picture to send along to you while I'm waiting. 
Jacky
PS--What's a bifemail?
=========================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Deb

LOL...a bifemale is a female who likes being with both males and females.  baked out of your mind...what do ya mean by that???
sure..go ahead and send a pic..that would be great!
just curious....do you have big boobs?

Deb
=================================================================

To: Deb
From: Jacky



Beb,
Sorry to keep you waiting, but my dumbass Uncle Louie is still out with my phone.  He's such a shitweasel.  Anyway, here's a photo of me.  It was taken at a party I went to right before I moved down here.  Hee hee I was sooo wasted!  

I'll be in touch soon
Jacky

=====================================================================

To: Deb
From: Jacky

Deeb,
Finally have my new phone number yay!  It's 404-xxx-xxxx.  Give me a call and we'll talk!
Jacky

[The number was actually a local Suicide Prevention Hotline]


========================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Deb

thats a wrong #...rings to some weird office.
try that number again.
deb



========================================================================


To: Deb
From: Jacky

Dev,
That's the number my Uncle wrote down.  If he's pranking me I'm going to fucking rip his dick off!  

Jesus you guys must be horny...
Did you get the picture I sent?  If not, I just found a better one that I took two weeks ago.

========================================================================


To: Jacky
From: Deb

yes...got the first pic..but its very faded.
please send the 2nd pic. 

deb



=========================================================================


To: Deb
From: Jacky


Doob,
I hope this is a better quality shot...BTW, you could send me one too...


























========================================================================


To: Jacky
From: Deb


Look...I'm not into games.  either be serious with us or forget it.

deb



========================================================================


To: Deb
From: Jacky

Devo,
I'm not into games either!  So are we going to do it or what?  
J
========================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Deb

contact #??

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Fun With Omegle--Tech Support Edition

The great thing about Omegle is that there's no telling who's on the other end.  They can say they're any age/gender/location/whatever.  I should know, I'm a little bit of everything when I go down there. 

You: Hello


Stranger: Hi.

You: I really need some help here

Stranger: With whut...?

You: The DVD drive on my laptop won't load myDora the Explorer DVD

Stranger: Okay . . .

Stranger: So . . . Cleaned it?

You: It won't load any of my DVDs

You: tried that

You: I really want to watch my DVD

Stranger: Maybe the file that's on your DVD isn't working on your laptop...

Stranger: Like, WMA doesn't work on my phone.

You: Okay, it's not really Dora the Explorer

Stranger: I figured.

You: It's a porno called Dora the Anal Explorer

Stranger: Ah~Ah.

Stranger: You must REALLY want to watch it then.

You: I can't get any of them to work

You: Spoogebob Square Nuts

You: District 69

You: Alice in Lesbo Land

You: My Cousin Vinny the Dildo Salesman

Stranger: And you don't have a normal DVD player...?

You: I do, but I can't use the regular TV.

You: My mom is watching The View

Stranger: O... kay...

You: Hell, Hannah Montana isn't working either

You: MY mom told me that this was the website for Tech Support

Stranger: Just something to say - do you have any idea that you're talking to a 14 year old girl now...?

You:  Seriously?  14 year-old girls are doing tech support now?

You:  It's okay, I'm a girl too.  I'm 16.

Stranger: Liar

You:  No, you're the liar.  And this is the most unprofessional tech support I have ever recieved.  Is there a supervisor I can speak with?

Stranger: You're a great troll though.

Stranger: Funny too.

Stranger: Congrats.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tickets For Sale


Original Ad:
WANTED: Braves Tickets To Today's (6/20) Day Game - Golden Moon Level - $80
I need 4 tickets in the Golden Moon Casino Level to today's Braves game against the Royals. Please let me know in the next 2-3 hours if you have such tickets available.
Many thanks!
=======================================================================

Date: 6/21/2010
To: Derek Nxxxx
From: Jacky Maille

I have 4 tickets for the GMC Pavillion in section 332 that I ended up not using for the 6/20 game. I paid $28 each for them, but I'll let you have them for $10 each.


Jacky

======================================================================

Date: 6/22/2010
To: Jacky
From: Derek

Yeah thanks but no thanks.  I don't need tickets to a game that already happenned.  That is pretty stupid if you ask me.

Derek

======================================================================

To: Derek
From: Jacky

They're still available if you want them.  Your ad said you were looking to pay $80 and I'm offering them to you for half that!  Plus, the Braves won 8-5!  That's pretty impressive considering how much donkey ass they suck.  I was going to go, but I had to go bail my Granny out of jail again (her 3rd DUI this year). 

If you're interested, I also have two tickets to the WWE Royal Rumble at the Philips Arena from last January.  That was a pretty historical event!  Edge won! The seats were on the floor, third row behind Jerry "The King" Lawler.  I'll let you have both of them for $20.

What do you say, Derk, do we have a deal?

Jacky

=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Derek

I don't think so.  I shoulda taken that ad down after the next day.  Tickets for gmaes the next day are worthless.  Also I'm not a wrestling fan.  All that stuff is fake.

Derek

Ps. The Braves don't suck, theyre in first place you moran.

=======================================================================

To: Derek
From: Jacky

Deren,

My mistake about the Braves sucking.  What I meant to say is that their fans suck gorilla turds.  And how dare you call professional wrestling fake?  Of course it's real!  Why do you think it's called "Professional" wrestling?  I'd rather sit in an arena full of classy wrestling fans than hanging out with a bunch of drunk methed-up rednecks at Turner Field any day.

Anyway, I'll take the Rumble tickets off the table.  I'll let you have the four Braves tix for $35 total, plus I'll throw in a boarding pass from my last trip to St. Thomas for free.

Give me your # and we'll get together.

Jacky

======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Derek

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE1 FUCK YOU i dont want your uselles fucking shit!

======================================================================

To: Derek
From: Jacky

Whoa! Settle down there Dorian! I was just messing around with you dude!  You know that's what us guys do!  Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I was able to get my original asking price for the Braves tickets from someone else. Sorry about that, but like I said earlier, my Granny's in a heap of trouble and I need all the cash I can get.  Anyway, if you're interested my Uncle Louie has a couple tickets for the Justin Bieber show that was on the 19th.  I'm sure I can get you a good price. 
Let me know!

Your good buddy,
Jacky