Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Dropping the Tranny Bomb

I'm often asked why I post so rarely.  One big reason is that I reply to a lot of online classified ads that end up going nowhere.  For every one post I publish here, there's been at least ten ads I've replied to and then forgotten about.  Recently, an e-mail from "MichaelW" appeared in my inbox.  I'm still not sure what ad this was originally tied to.  Prostitution?  Who knows...But here's how it went down:
================================


To: Jacky Maille
From: MichaelWxxxxx
Subject:  $$$$ easy and fun arrangement $$$$



Hey were you still looking for some help? $$$$

Can you send me a pic or two and tell me where you live again?

=================================

To: MichaelW
From: Jacky

Mike,

Please forgive me.  I've answered a few classified ads lately...what is this in regards to?

Jacky

==================================
In hindsight, I'll bet that probably came off as a bit slutty to MichaelW
==================================

To: Jacky
From: MichaelW

I am looking to hang out regularly, can you tell me where you live by and send a few pics.
 
When can you meet up?

==================================
For some reason, it took me over a week to reply.  I was trying to think of something unique to reply to MichaelW with, but instead I gave up and dropped a Tranny Bomb.
==================================

To: MichaelW
From: Jacky

Hi Mick!

I'm so sorry I've been so slow with my replies!  You just wouldn't believe all the craziness that's been going on.  I sure could use a foot massage!

Anyway, I live in Midtown and I'm usually free on weekends.  What sort of fun did you have in mind?
I'm sending along a picture of me.  



Jacky

============================
Another week goes by...
============================

To: MichaelW
From: Jacky
Milk,

I haven't heard back from you in a while.  Are you going to send me a picture of your sexy self?  I'd love to get together this weekend.  I have tickets to the Wizard of Oz stage show on Saturday! And then afterwards we could go get totally wasted!  Please don't leave me hanging.  Let me know if you want to.

=============================

To: Jacky
From: MichaelW

Not interested. I'm going to be too busy.  Please stop SPAMMING my email account.

=============================

To: MichaelW
From: Jacky

Meat,

What's wrong?  Did your wife find out about us?  I hope not, because you make my gaydar go "WHOOWHOOWHOO!"

It's okay.  Take all the time you need.

Jacky

==============================

I don't know.  Dropping the Tranny Bomb just seems so 2010.  I probably could have done better.




Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Lady Gaga is a Dude




Original Ad:


i am looking for 2 lady gaga tickets, please-looking to pay a reasonable price..for seats...
thanks 


=======================

To: Jamie
From: Jacky

If you're looking for tickets for "Lady" Gaga's show on April 18 at the Gwinnett Center, I can help.  I have two tickets for that concert and I absolutely refuse to attend, so I'm more than happy to sell them.  They're General Admission on the floor if that's okay with you.

Let me know.

Jacky

=======================

To: Jacky
From: Jamie

omg!!! yes absolutely i would love to have thos tickets!  how much do you want? and why don't you want ot go see lady gaga in concert...she's completely awesome?


if your talking about the rumors that shes gay or whatever...they arent true


she's not a lesbian...she's bi sexual


her music is awesome!!!


she's a great role model...she's prod of herself


she's a fan of androdgeny and likes the gender bender thing and that definitely started the rumors...


she said --when a guy says, oh I ****** all these chicks this week, there’s a high-five and giggling. But when a woman does it and it’s publicised or she’s open about her sexuality or she’s free, or liberated, it’s, Oh, she must have a ****. There’s a threat. i also carry myself onstage in a masculine way and sing in a low register. this is not out of nowhere, right?


she has also said she has a larger than normal clitorris


shegives us freedom in her music in a way that a others cant...


whatever the rumors are...i don't care 


i hope this helps clear things up for you...i would still like to buy those tickets from you if they are at a fair price...
thanks



========================

To: Jamie
From: Jacky

Here's the thing:  Lady Gaga is a dude.  Not that I have anything against cross-dressing and the trans-gendered.  In fact, some of my best friends are fruits.  Back in the day, I was a Boy George fan.  He was about as effeminate as they got back then, but at least he never claimed to be a female when in fact, he had a penis.

But as long as we're making lists (pardon my usage of capital letters):

I once met Lady Gaga.  I kept thinking to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!"  But she did.

At a recent Lady Gaga concert, the bomb squad had to evacuate the arena due to a "suspicious package" on the stage.

The song "Poker Face" is about her screwing a dude but wishing she were with a chick.  Ironically, so is the dude.

On her upcoming album she covers a Pussycat Dolls song, with her own spin on it; It's called "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hung Like Me".

She wrote her song "Bad Romance" about the first time she whipped her dick out on a guy.

Her meat dress brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "It looks like you're wearing your mom's curtains."

She refuses to use a cell phone because she's afraid to get a brain tumor.  Because you know, one swelling organ is enough, am I right?

I dared my wife to go as Lady Gaga to a costume party, but she didn't have the balls.

I will admit though, I was impressed by her meat dress.  She did a good job of hiding her sausage.
Lady Gaga's 'meat dress' caused a stir this week (Pic: AFP)



Also, I just checked, and the concert is not sold out yet (which restores my faith, albeit slightly, in the intelligence of the Atlanta populace).  You can still buy your own and not have to go through the hassle of negotiating with assholes on the internet.  Trust me, there's a ton of them out there...

Good luck to you, young Jamie.  You never specified your gender, but then again, you yourself said that Lady Gaga is a role model.  My only advice is to be yourself, and don't be afraid of your shift key.

Eternally,

Jacky Maille
Paparazzi!
Lady Gaga

===========================

To: Jacky
From: Jamie

F*** yOU!!!  how do you like my shift key now you f***ing troll!!!

===========================

To: Jacky
From: Jamie

and don't bother replying because i blocked your email...

Monday, January 24, 2011

No Respect for the Dead: Jack LaLanne (1914-2011)



"I can't afford to die.  It would ruin my image."  ~Jack LaLanne, noted fitness guru, juice aficionado, and all around nut died last night at the age of  96.  The official cause of death was complications due to pneumonia.  He had too much juice in his lungs.  It is one of fate's cruelest jokes that the epitome of health, nutrition and fitness didn't live to be 100.  Sadly, he never got to live his ultimate fantasy, which was to punch Richard Simmons in the balls.

Funeral arrangements are incomplete at this time, but it's a safe bet that Jack will be carrying his own casket.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Ideas About Heaven


Original ad:


Hello, I am trying to write a book and I am trying to do research on what different people's views are about Heaven. If you have the time and are interested send me your version on what you think Heaven is like? It does not necessarily have to be biblical, it can be your own ideal situation of what you would want Heaven to be like. If you were to go there tomorrow what would you want Heaven to be like? There is no pay for this. If, however, I do complete book and your ideas are good and included in book you will receive credit and compensation if it sells. Right now just doing research and seeking as many opinions as I can. Thank you and God bless

I would like to make a correction here, I am looking for ideas on what you think the physical in Heaven will be like. I do understand the feelings, peace, perfection, but I want to know what you think the physical will look like? What will your mansion look like, what age will you be, will your animals be there? Hope to hear your ideas. 



==========================================


To: Kristin
From: Jacky Maille



Are you still looking for stories about Heaven?  I ask because I just wrote a poem about my idea of Heaven right before I found your ad on Craigslist.  If you're still seeking submissions, I'd love to share...

Sinncerely,
Jacky Maille

===========================================

To: Jacky
From: Kristin

Jackie--Yes, thank you Im definately still looking for your ideas.  I am editing our senior literary magazine at Saint Xxxxxx Christian Acadamy and looking for any submissions about Heaven that we could possibly include.  Please send me your poem!  I would love to read it and consider it!  God bless.
Kristin Xxxxxxxxx

============================================

To: Kristin
From: Jacky

Well shucks, I wasn't looking at getting published and becoming famous or anything.  I just wrote it last night at 3AM.  Tell me what you think:

Oh - thinkin' about all our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothin' can take you away from me
we've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven



And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven 



Oh - once in your life, you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down

Yeah - nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way



 Yeah: -I've bin waitin' for so long 
For somethin' to arrive
For love to come along

Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah, - I'll be standin' there by you
Woah 


Weah he Hooooo
you're all that I want
you're all that I need


Me and my friend Ty  made a video of me singing this song in my basement last night. 
I just posted it to YouTube. http://youtu.be/3eT464L1YRA

==================================

==================================

To: Jacky
From: Kristin

Jackie--That was beutiful!!! I have to admit it made me cry a little bit.
Kristin
===================================

To: Kristin
From: Jacky

Kristin,

Let's be real, I don't really buy into the fact that you're "editing" a school literary 
magazine based on the poor grammatical and spelling errors that you have 
made in your correspondence with me.  Seriously, babe, you can't even spell my name 
correctly.  It's Jacky with a "Y", not an "IE".

So if you even attempt to publish my original poem/song/video in any way without giving
full credit to me, Jacky Maille, then I will be forced to take legal action against you, you pirate!

============================

To: Jacky
From: Kristin

Dear JackY,

We have reviewed your submission and have not deemed it worthy for publication.
Thank you for your submission.


Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Happy New Year from KFC!!!



KFC is happy to announce that, for a limited time only, is offering their best-selling sandwich ~THE DOUBLE DOWN® ~ buy one, get one FREE!!!  (Offer good only at participating stores in Kentucky, Arkansas, and Louisiana.)


That's right folks, that sickeningly delicious-looking one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat "chicken" filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!

Due to a sudden increase in our ingredient supply, we're passing the savings along to you!  So Happy New Year and thank you for choosing KFC as your favorite place for chicken-flavored food!


====================================

Meanwhile, in the news...






Seriously folks, you may want to keep your kids inside.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Au Revoir, 2010



Well, it's nearly a new year, Jacky Maille fans.  I just wanted to wish my dozens of readers a happy 2011!  We sure had fun in 2010, didn't we?  We trolled companies like Kroger and Starbucks.  We tried to make Cock Retrievers THE dog breed to have.  We looked for several roommates and jobs to no avail.  My personal favorite was the Female Voice Over.  Oddly, the most read post of 2010 was the one with the cheese and cracker trays.

Thanks again for joining me for a fun year of pissing off the interwebs.  2011 should be lots of fun as well.  Who knows what we'll be capable of in the next 365 days?

Remember, Jacky is always open to suggestions, comments, and questions.  Feel free to use the comment box below, or e-mail me at drewcifer66@gmail.com .

Happy New Year to everyone!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Black Lips: Satan's New Musical Messengers


Original ad:


I need 1 to 2 tickets to the Black Lips/Deerhunter show at the eyedrum on dec 30th NOW! Willing to negotiate good money for it! I'm traveling 8 hours just to go to this show all in good faith! Please help if you know anyone going! Thank you! 


================================


To: Gabriel
From:  Jacky Maille



Dear The Black Lips Fan,

I seriously hope you're not going to hitchhike for 8 hours to see a The Black Lips in concert.  Are you truly aware of the evil that they cause?  Their music promotes Satanism, homosexualitybestiality, masturbation,  and a host of other demonic sins.   You may as well attend a Black Mass in the fiery pits of Hell conducted by Satan himself.

The Black Lips concerts begin with the band leading the audience in a chant of passages from the Necronomicon, trying to raise the spirit of their dark master Cthulu. At some point during the show, each band member removes their pants and begins to masturbate on the audience.  When they achieve orgasm, they spray the audience with their devil slime which is a cue for the rest to follow suit.  Do you seriously want to be in the middle of 1,000 people with their genitals exposed and rubbing away?  Not to mention everyone there is on drugs.

The lead singer will often sodomize the bassist throughout the show.  The audience is usually unaware as they are at this point having a drug fueled orgy on the floor.  The Black Lips conclude each show by sacrificing a dog or cat that they have stolen from a local animal shelter to their lord and master Satan.

My church group has been picketing these Devil Masses for years now.  Anytime we are able to prevent even one person from being corrupted by these awful Satanmongers, we feel we have saved a soul for Jesus.  I will be praying for you.  I hope that the lord Jesus Christ will turn your eyes and ears away from the Devil and his evil band.  I would highly suggest you read your Bible and listen to more wholesome music like Reba McEntire and Toby Keith.  I understand what it's like to be young and confused.  I was once like you until someone showed me the path to pure salvation.

Good Luck to you, and may Jesus shine his glorious light on you and point you in the right direction.

Jacky Maille

=============================

To: Jacky
From: Gabriel

Wow seriously lady you are crazy!!!  You dont know whow all kinds of wrong you are! Black Lips aren ATHEISTS and dont even beleive in god or satan so they cant be bad like that!!  And just becuse they kiss once during that ONE SONG!!! doen't mean theyre homosexual or gay.  Theyre making fun of the people who are CONDMMING them!  

Im on my way I already Got my TICKETS  waiting 4 me, so if ur chooch group[ is waiting 4 us we dont give a FUCK about u!  BAD KIDS!!!!

===============================

To: Gabriel
From: Jacky

Dude,

I'm just cranking you, man.  I have never even heard of The Black Lips until I saw your ad online.  Then I checked out some of their tracks on MySpace and youtube, and HOLY SHIT!!11!  The Black Lips are just awful!

I'm just trying to have fun.  This is my first internet.

Jacky

=================================

To: Jacky
From: Gabriel

No way lady.  THEY JUSY KISSS.  Fucki you its not gay it's pissing you off!!!


 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Juicy Couture Sunglasses for Guitar Hero

Original ad:
Juicy Couture sunglasses for Guitar Hero
Hi there I am wanting to trade my never worn shades of couture by juicy couture oversized sunglasses for any of the following ps3 items: any guitar hero bundles, band hero bundles, or rock band bundles.
I bought these glasses at solstice on sale for $80 and have only tried them on a couple of times. I have never actually worn them out or anything and they have just been sitting in the pink juicy case in my dresser for a while now. These would make a wonderful x-mas gift for any girl! I was going to put them on e-bay but I've been wanting these guitar games so I figured I'd try this first.


=================================


To:  Lauren
From: Jacky

Hey Baby!  I've got a Guitar Hero 5 bundle for PS3 if you're really interested.  I've never done this sort of thing before, like trading video games for...well, you know.  But yeah, I'm interested in meeting up and trading.

Jacky Maille

PS--What do the sunglasses and the bar of soap have to do with anything?

======================================

To: Jacky
From: Lauren

Hi Jacky Im interested in the guitar hero 5 for playstation!  Did you read the ad all the way thru?  I'm trading the sunglasses and the case for the game bundle.  I bought them and then never wore them and I want to get my nephew the game for christmas but money is kinda tight so I'm trading them.  Their in perfect condition so if you don't like them they'd make a nice present for someone else!  My #770-xxx-xxxx, you can text me if youre still interested.

Thanks!Lauren

========================================

To: Lauren
From: Jacky

Oh.
I thought you were offering to have sex with me for the game.  I thought that's what you meant when you said you had a juicy cooter.


Jacky Maille

=========================================

To: Jacky
From: Lauren

ARE YOU rEALLY THAT STUPID??!1  juicy couture is a designer brand you idiot! You are either trying to be real funny or you are just a stupid 10 year old!  Or you are just retarted!  Whatever you are I hope someone slaps you across your fool face!

==========================================

To: Lauren
From: Jacky

Lauren,

I apologize for the misunderstanding.  Ever since Craigslist took the Adult section away, people have been trying to find different creative ways of hooking up there.  I thought that's what you were trying to do.  Sorry.  

Anyway, I have your number, so if I find anyone who is looking for a pair of hideous looking overpriced sunglasses, I'll pass it along.

Good luck and happy holidays!

Jacky