Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Free Small Dog

Original ad:

I'm looking for a FREE small dog (maybe a young puppy) that could be of some company to me & my daughter. We are looking for someone SMALL that can be kept inside. We are dog lovers & just looking for one to share the love with.


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To: Nichelle
From: Jacky


What exactly are you looking for in a companion small dog? I have a little one that I am caring for since my Aunt passed away a few months ago. I can't really keep him as my job causes me to travel and he's just miserable when I take him to a boarding facility. Let me know what you're looking for and we'll see if we're a good match for each other.

Your friend,
Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Nichelle

Hello Jacky,

What type dog do you have? I'm looking for no particular breed, just someone me & my daughter can show love to. Please send pics if you have any.

Thanks,
Nichelle

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To: Nichelle
From: Jacky

Nichole,
I think you'll like little Judas! He's 6 years old, has all of his vaccinations up to date and has just recently been to the groomer. He has a great personality. I'm sending over a picture of him right now.

Jacky

Woofwoof!



=====================================================

To: Jacky
From: Nichelle

Jacky,

I don't know what kind of foolishness youre trying to pull.  First of all, that's a cat! And an ugly one too! We're looking for a DOG!  Second of all, my name is NICHELLE not Nichole. Thirdly, Judas is a horrible name for any pet, cat or dog!  Don't be playing games with us.

Nichelle

===================================================

To: Nichelle
From: Jacky

Michelle,

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!  I accidently sent you the wrong picture!  That was my Aunt's cat Mr. Skibbles (isn't he adoreable?).  Here's a picture of little Judas.  I didn't name him, my Aunt did.  Feel free to rename him whatever. He eats just about anything, and he LOVES children! Send me your phone number and we'll try to get together.

Jacky

I just wanna be loved. Is that so wrong?


=========================================================

To: Jacky 
From: Nichelle

No thank you, we'll keep looking.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Justin Bieber - Agent of Satan





Original Ad:
Looking for Justin Bieber Tickets for Gwinnett
If you have reasonably priced tickets and are unable to go I would like to find 2-4 tickets for the Aug show. 


===================================================
To: Mandi
From: Jacky

I have two seats in section 106, Row C, on the aisle. I had originally bought them for me and my girlfriend, but she decided to cheat on me after I bought the tickets. So I have no use for them.

Jacky
================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mandi


Sorry to hear that. How much do you want for them?
Thanks
Mandi

================================================================

To: Mandi
From: Jacky


I payed $72 for both. I was thinking I might still go though, so that's one ticket? $36?? I dunno...math is hard.

Jacky

=================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mandi


Hi Jack,
have you decided if you are going to make it to the show yet? If you decide to sell the tickets please let me know.
Thanks
=================================================================

To: Mandi
From: Jacky


Oh absolutely not!
After speaking with my youth minister, not only am I going to burn my tickets, but I'm also going to destroy my t-shirts, posters and CDs. Justin Bieber is an agent of Satan!! If you play his music backwards, you can clearly hear him saying "Drink Blood, The Devil owns us all"! My youth minister also told me that Justin Bieber sacrifices baby sheep to the devil before every show and drinks their blood. He also comes from Canada, which is mentioned in the Bible as the birthplace for the Antichrist. It's in Revelations!!!

Please reconsider wanting to go as Justin Bieber is an agent of the Dark Lord and wants to turn your soul to him. My church youth group will be protesting the show outside the arena that night. I encourage you to join us!

Praise the Lord!
Jacky Maille

===============================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mandi


Thats not true is it? I mean I'm a Christian too and I don't think Justin Bieber is bad. Theres alot worse out there and I definitely don't believe the part about the antichrist coming from canada. Im just interested in getting tickets for the concert. If you won't sell them just tell me

thanks

===============================================================
Uh-oh...mom decided to get in on the act...
===============================================================

To: Jacky
From: Becky Axxxx

Dear Jack,
I don't know who you think you are but you have made my 16 year-old daughter very upset. After reading your emails at first I thought you were trying to ask her out on a date (THE ANSWER IS NO!, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!) then you started spouting out all that garbage about Justin Bieber being Satanic. I can assure you that we are a christin household and Justin Bieber is perfectly innocent for my children. I don't know how old you are or what church you go to but you are definitely WAY OFF BASE! I hope you are happy with yourself, you have made a teenage girl cry.
Get a life,
Becky Axxxx
============================================================

To: Becky
From: Jacky


Dear Becky,
First of all, I can assure you that I was not asking your daughter out on a date! Second of all, if you are so concerned about your daughter's e-mail interactions, then why in the blue hell do you let her place ads on Craigslist? Craigslist is one of the slimiest websites on the internet. I'm 17 years old and I have two kids, and I can assure that when they're old enough, they won't be going to ANY websites without my supervision. Thirdly, how dare you question my religion! Did Jesus not say "Do not judge or you too will be judged" The Bible also says (somewhere in the back): "Behold the son of the Devil and his Maple Leaf." I would encourage you to attend our protest at the Arena as well on the night of the show, if you are as Christian as you say you are.

Jack E. Maille

================================================

To: Jacky
From: Becky


Youre 17 and HAVE 2 KIDS?!!1? and you claim to be a cristian??? LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE and dont email us again.
Becky Axxxx

================================================

To: Becky
From: Jacky

I'll leave your family alone trust me. But you better keep your kids off Craigslist. The Devil Himself lurks there.

Jacky







Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Jacky Maille: Hero!

Some said it was a bold move to name this website "The Legend of Jacky Maille". While some may say that Jacky is "the biggest asshole on the interwebs" (actual quote), it is a fact that the Legandary Jacky is now seen as a hero in Sweden! It's been all over the news. See for yourself:

Breaking News: Jacky Maille: Hero

Jacky Maille, Hero to the Swedes! Legend to the rest of the World!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Stool

Original ad:
Looking for a short stool, like in a doctor's office. One on wheels is even better.
Please send details and price. Thanks! 


===============================================================
To: Stoolie
From: Jacky


I was replying to your ad online.. I must confess that I never thought this would be something I could sell, but I work for a gastroinerologist, and I can sell you as much stool as you want. Not sure what the market value is, but offer me what you think is fair. I haven't yet seen one with wheels, but I'll keep looking.

Jacky Maille, RN

================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Stoolie


hat was a GREAT comeback!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

=================================================================

To: Stoolie
From: Jacky


So are you pranking me? Or am I pranking you? Or is this some sort of messed up double prank?

Jacky Maille, MD

=================================================================
To: Jacky
From: Stoolie


i'm sorry...when you said that you were in a gastro's office, i thought you were punning with a double meaning of "stool". i am very interested in a stool if it's not too expensive.
thanks...

by the way..one of your emails has you as an RN...the other as an MD....what gives?
==================================================================

To: Stoolie
From: Jacky
Well, yes, *ahem* like I said...I've got one that was under my butt for quite a while and caused me next to no discomfort. It's wrapped in plastic and yours if you want it for free. Just let me know!

Jacky Maille, PhD.

==================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Stoolie


you should do stand up comedy!! where are you located? i just moved here from florida and am not familiar with much. close to loganville????

thanks!!!

==================================================================

To: Stoolie
From: Jacky


Of course you're "from Florida" and "not familiar with much"!
You're the idiots that botched that botched the 2000 Presidential Election!
I don't know what they do where you're from, but here in civilized places like Georgia we will gladly sell you any kind of stool you want with no questions asked.

Jacky Maille
===================================================================
To: Jacky
From: Stoolie


thanks for the compliments...i really needed that today. you are just down right cruel. are you bored or something?

========================================================

To: Stoolie
From: Jacky


No, I'm just trying to get rid of some shit. I'm just pooped. Sorry.

Jacky Maille, POTUS


















Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Rock Star Assistant

I'm calling this guy "Zack" because he's got a website with a lot of his songs on it, and he gigs around in my local area, and he's trying to make it big.  His name is something else, but we'll just go with "Zack" for anonymity's sake.  I listened to a couple of his songs and they were just awful!  I don't mean that in the sense that I'm not into that sort of music, I mean this dude was just horrible.  I've been known to take a few turns at karaoke in my time and I think I sound better.  Which is not saying a whole lot.  He could probably use a couple guitar tuning lessons too.  He's able to land local gigs, so he must be doing something right.  Anyway, enjoy...


Original ad:
ROCK STAR ASSISTANT
Well i am not really rock starr but I am working on it, need some body who can operate a flip cam cord and a camra, must be 21 you will taking photos and footage of my gigs and rehersals, ideal for anybody in love with the music business, and would like to see how things really work, ideal for somebody who already has a full time job, must have transportation and u will get paid 60 bucks to cover a gig, 35-45 minutes , great for anybody in school with a cretive major, must be quit in rehersals, covering my rehersals will be eight dollors a hours but we dont reherse a lot, send me your name and number, first come first serve 


===================================================================


To: Zack
From: Jacky


Hi there!
I saw your ad online.  Are you still looking for someone?  What you describe sounds exciting and unique and it might be just the thing I'm looking for!  Tell me a little about yourself and what you're into.
Jacky Maille

====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Zack

Rock/blues/jazz and acoustic working on a book about my music goals.
Maintain control of my creative works. Short term goals teach guitar
soloing.promoteing and organizing concerts . Future projects. Looking
for gigs. Going for a record deal within a year or so. Check out my website www.xxxxxxxxxxx.com

=============================================================================

To: Zack 
From: Jacky

Thanks for writing me back! 
I went to your website and listened to some of your tracks and let me just say that you are without a doubt, ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL!!!  Why aren't you famous yet?
Me?  I graduated college back in May and have just been bumming around waiting for my ship to come in. 
 Years ago, I saw that movie "Almost Famous" and I knew right then and there that my goal in life was to be part of something big.   I'd love to be a part of your entourage and can do much more than videotape and take pics...

Rock out,
Jacky M.

=====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Zack

I need marketing and promoteing help and i can offer u a commissiom.
Got a huge project coming up



======================================================================


To: Zack
From: Jacky


That would be awesome, but I want you to know that I can do much more for you:

If you need me to blow cocaine up your ass with a straw (so you won't damage your vocal cords), I can do that.
I can make a plaster cast of your penis.
I can round up all kinds of groupies for you and your band to have your way with.
I am CPR certified and can resuscitate you if you have an overdose.  I can also perform the Heimlich in case you choke on a sandwich.
I can have all the brown M&Ms removed from your dressing room.
I can keep the press at bay while you're having a gallon of semen pumped from your stomach.
If you hate Jews or Canadians or Asians, I can make sure they don't come to your gigs.
I'm good for all of that plus a lot more!  What do you say?  Do we have a deal?  Can I be your "right hand person"?

Rock n Roll 4Ever!
Jacky M

=====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Zack

I think ill pass on ur offer!

==============================================================================

To: Zack 
From: Jacky

But why?  I have spent the last 48 hours dreaming of ways I could assist you in your pursuit to become a rock 'n' roll deity.  Ever since I went to your website and heard your music my life has completely changed.  I masturbate listening to your MP3's.  I can't believe you would take my kind offer and throw it away like a used condom.  You have wounded me, Zack.  You have truly wounded me.  I will be sure to attend your next gig at xxxxx xxxx.  Hopefully you will have changed your mind by then.

Shattered,
Jacky M.

=====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Zack

Ur funny ! Im pretty down to earth but all jokes aside . I live a
boreing life and im faithful and i dont do drugs and i try to live a
clean life . Even some of my music is bent

==============================================================================

To: Zack
From: Jacky

Well you're never going to be a rock god with that attitude.  That's why you need me.  Whatever.  I'll find some emo band to hook up with.  They'll  appreciate all the greatness I have to offer.  Good luck to you, Churchy.

Bleeding,
Jacky M.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Freaky Roommate (Weekends Only!)

Original ad:

I have a room for a freaky female for the weekend an Unfurnished room if you interested email me and I will let you know its cost please be presentable looking you must be alone no smoking in the house must be clean age or race does not matter but no kids or pets and no company please send photo 


======================================================================


To: Mark 
From: Jacky



Hi there!
I am replying to your ad on C-List.  I am most definitely a "freaky female" and I am looking for a place to stay for a few months in the area.  Can you provide me a little more detail on what exactly you're looking for and what sort of place you have?  
Look forward to hearing from you

Toodles!
Jacky

=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mark

I live in a subdivision its about10 years old but its a room for the weekend(S) only in split foyer home please tell me about yourself more Im AA  in my 40's clean I can talk more if you leave contact number

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To: Mark
From: Jacky


Hi Mark!
I'm not sure I quite follow you on the "weekends" part.  Is this unfurnished room only available on the weekends?  Maybe I'm just misreading it.  
Anyway, as I said earlier, I am most definitely freaky! I'm 28, and a college graduate  I'm into pets, outdoor activities, watersports and whatever else you can name!  I too am very clean.  I spend an awful lot of money at Bath & Bodyworks.  I also shop at Fredrick's of Hollywood and Starship.  I'm what you would call a trust-fund brat so money isn't really an issue for me.  
I can send you a picture if you like.

Winkers,
Jacky

=====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mark

send it 

=====================================================================

To: Mark
From: Jacky


Hi again Mork!

I have to go through my laptop to find a good picture of me (I promise I'll send it soon!).  While I'm looking, can you tell me what you mean by "weekends"?  Is that like when your wife's away or something?
Because that's cool and all, I'm just wondering.

Freakishly yours,
Jacky

======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mark

hey again no I do not have a wife and I have a girlfriend  so she claim that stays near the Alabama line I do not see her on the regular no so I do not feel the lovey doveyness in a relationship plus I have not really been anywhere much with women so I just try to do something with someone who is alright with what I do thats all freak , drink and chill youknow go downtown Atlanta walk through parks or Malls as if we are really serious couple or whatever but make the most out of whatever and no drama do you drink socialable or smoke cigarettes and weekends Im talking about Friday,Saturday,Sunday it can be with me I don't care it must be fun though if not you will have to stay in the room unfurnished you could bring a inflatable bed are something I have a king size bed so if you are interested let me know ok

======================================================================

To: Mark
From: Jacky


Hey Murk!
That sounds really swell!  I'm sending along a pic right now (sorry it took so long!).  We should talk more very soon!



Snuggles!
Jacky

======================================================================

[24 hours later]

To: Mark
From: Jacky

Hey Nark
I haven't heard back from you yet.  Are we still on for the weekend?  I'm hoping so.  I'll be free after five o'clock today.  Let me know.

xoxoxo
Jacky

=======================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mark

gotohelll!!! you fucking faggit your first mistake was telling me yourname ans now I know what you look like Im going to fucking kill you you fucking homo querre I know all about you!

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To: Mark
From: Jacky

Hey Narf

What's got you so upset?  I know I have a little more body hair than most ladies, but I'm not going to apologize for that.  I thought about laser hair removal, but my step-father says I'm beautiful the way God made me!  Are you angry because I use complete sentences and punctuation?  Or are you just dirty talking me, you sexy beast?  
Anyway, my bag is packed and I'm ready for a freaky weekend!  Let's do this!

Sexually Yours,
Jacky

=====================================================================

To: Jacky
From: Mark

your a dead man Jack you fucking homo I'll kill you if I ever see you with my bear hands homos stay off craigslist!!!