Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Japanese Mail Order Bride

Original ad:
Do you need a little help with your Japanese homework? Would you like to learn Japanese from the beginning - conversational, reading, writing? I have a degree from the University of Iowa in Japanese and have experience teaching beginning to intermediate Japanese. We can meet in a neutral location and I can help you out. I never received below an A in any of my Japanese classes and often earned A+s.

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To: Jo Ann Bxxxx
From: Jacky Maille
Subj: Japanese Lessons

Boy was I happy to see your ad online!

Long story short, I "fell in love" with a young Japanese lady online. She's going to be coming to Atlanta soon to marry me. The problem? While she can understand English in the written form, her conversational skills aren't so great. I'm not so much interested in getting her to learn English (quite frankly, after my first wife I'm ready for some peace and quiet). I would, however like to learn a few phrases in Japanese before she gets here. Just some simple phrases like, "Mow the lawn", "Bring me my beer", and "Roll over." And maybe a few complex phrases like "I'll be home after happy hour, make sure dinner is ready", and "I'm going hunting/fishing see you Monday". Things like that.

Money is really no object, I can pay you whatever. I live in Winder, but driving to whatever location that's good for you is fine by me. I have until the first week of August when she gets here, so time is not of the essence.

Let me know what you want to work out.

Domo Arigato Mr Roboto,
Jacky Maille
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To: Mr. Maille
From: Jo Ann

Mr. Maille,
I sincerely hope this is some kind of joke. I certainly am not interested in teaching you such demeaning phrases. You are welcome to use any number of online websites that will translate such garbage for you. I however will have no part in it. Japanese people have a rich history and proud culture. If you are indeed bringing over a "mail order bride" as little more than a servant then you are the worst kind of person. As I stated, I hope this is an attempt at being humorous.
私のお尻にキス (look it up)
Sincerely,
Jo Ann Bxxxx

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To: Jo Ann
From: Jacky

This isn't no joke, Joanie. I need a crash course before August gets here. And let me tell you something about "rich Japanese culture" or whatever the hell you were saying. My Granddad lost his right arm in Okinawa fighting for your freedom against those Japs. I also lost a great-uncle at the Battle of Midway thanks to them. So yeah, you're damn right they owe me a fine wife to take care of my daily needs. It's called the spoils of war, lady. See, Japanese women know their place in a man's world. That's something they don't teach you in your fancy Women's Studies classes at the University of Indiana or wherever.

But hey, that's fine. Whatever. I was going to pay you 45 bucks an hour, plus buy you a nice lunch at Olive Garden per lesson, but if you truly feel that way then I'll find someone else. If you change your mind you better do it quick.

Jacky

PS--By the way, I have no idea what that Japanese lettering was, but I'll assume it's some sort of good luck blessing or your last sushi order.

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To: Mr. Maille
From: Jo Ann

Mr. Maille,
I will not dignify your inflammatory remarks with a response. Feel free to find another tutor. I would not be seen in public with the likes of you for five hundred dollars a lesson. Any further attempts at contacting me will be blocked and reported as spam.
As for the text, it is for you to learn on your own. It is a phrase that I'm sure you will be familiar with.
地獄に落ちろ
JO ANN Bxxxx
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To: Jo Ann
From: Jacky

Have it your way Josie. I found a Japanese guy to teach me everything I need to know. And he knows exactly how Japanese women like to be treated. BTW, I showed him your e-mails and he assured me that no Japanese woman would ever dare to speak to a man like that. You're just a mean and hateful woman. Good luck to you Jeannie.

Jacky

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bravo, Jacky! I think you really showed her!