Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Rock Star Assistant

I'm calling this guy "Zack" because he's got a website with a lot of his songs on it, and he gigs around in my local area, and he's trying to make it big.  His name is something else, but we'll just go with "Zack" for anonymity's sake.  I listened to a couple of his songs and they were just awful!  I don't mean that in the sense that I'm not into that sort of music, I mean this dude was just horrible.  I've been known to take a few turns at karaoke in my time and I think I sound better.  Which is not saying a whole lot.  He could probably use a couple guitar tuning lessons too.  He's able to land local gigs, so he must be doing something right.  Anyway, enjoy...


Original ad:
ROCK STAR ASSISTANT
Well i am not really rock starr but I am working on it, need some body who can operate a flip cam cord and a camra, must be 21 you will taking photos and footage of my gigs and rehersals, ideal for anybody in love with the music business, and would like to see how things really work, ideal for somebody who already has a full time job, must have transportation and u will get paid 60 bucks to cover a gig, 35-45 minutes , great for anybody in school with a cretive major, must be quit in rehersals, covering my rehersals will be eight dollors a hours but we dont reherse a lot, send me your name and number, first come first serve 


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To: Zack
From: Jacky


Hi there!
I saw your ad online.  Are you still looking for someone?  What you describe sounds exciting and unique and it might be just the thing I'm looking for!  Tell me a little about yourself and what you're into.
Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Zack

Rock/blues/jazz and acoustic working on a book about my music goals.
Maintain control of my creative works. Short term goals teach guitar
soloing.promoteing and organizing concerts . Future projects. Looking
for gigs. Going for a record deal within a year or so. Check out my website www.xxxxxxxxxxx.com

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To: Zack 
From: Jacky

Thanks for writing me back! 
I went to your website and listened to some of your tracks and let me just say that you are without a doubt, ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL!!!  Why aren't you famous yet?
Me?  I graduated college back in May and have just been bumming around waiting for my ship to come in. 
 Years ago, I saw that movie "Almost Famous" and I knew right then and there that my goal in life was to be part of something big.   I'd love to be a part of your entourage and can do much more than videotape and take pics...

Rock out,
Jacky M.

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To: Jacky
From: Zack

I need marketing and promoteing help and i can offer u a commissiom.
Got a huge project coming up



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To: Zack
From: Jacky


That would be awesome, but I want you to know that I can do much more for you:

If you need me to blow cocaine up your ass with a straw (so you won't damage your vocal cords), I can do that.
I can make a plaster cast of your penis.
I can round up all kinds of groupies for you and your band to have your way with.
I am CPR certified and can resuscitate you if you have an overdose.  I can also perform the Heimlich in case you choke on a sandwich.
I can have all the brown M&Ms removed from your dressing room.
I can keep the press at bay while you're having a gallon of semen pumped from your stomach.
If you hate Jews or Canadians or Asians, I can make sure they don't come to your gigs.
I'm good for all of that plus a lot more!  What do you say?  Do we have a deal?  Can I be your "right hand person"?

Rock n Roll 4Ever!
Jacky M

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To: Jacky
From: Zack

I think ill pass on ur offer!

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To: Zack 
From: Jacky

But why?  I have spent the last 48 hours dreaming of ways I could assist you in your pursuit to become a rock 'n' roll deity.  Ever since I went to your website and heard your music my life has completely changed.  I masturbate listening to your MP3's.  I can't believe you would take my kind offer and throw it away like a used condom.  You have wounded me, Zack.  You have truly wounded me.  I will be sure to attend your next gig at xxxxx xxxx.  Hopefully you will have changed your mind by then.

Shattered,
Jacky M.

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To: Jacky
From: Zack

Ur funny ! Im pretty down to earth but all jokes aside . I live a
boreing life and im faithful and i dont do drugs and i try to live a
clean life . Even some of my music is bent

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To: Zack
From: Jacky

Well you're never going to be a rock god with that attitude.  That's why you need me.  Whatever.  I'll find some emo band to hook up with.  They'll  appreciate all the greatness I have to offer.  Good luck to you, Churchy.

Bleeding,
Jacky M.

3 comments:

KristyKnox313 said...

Why would you want to keep William Shatner & Leonard Nimoy away from Zacks gigs?

Anonymous said...

You should offer your services to Justin Beeber. Hed like haveing cocaine blown up his ass.

StarrKat said...

I wanna be a rock star!