Rent My Creepy Van

I'm not sure, but I think the humor might have gone way over this dude's head...


Original ad:

van needed for 2 weeks to florida

i am looking to rent a reliable window van at least 8 seats for family to go to sights aroundAtlanta for a week and then Florida for a week careful driver 

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To: Dennis

From: Jacky

Hello,

I recently purchased a van at a police auction.  It's a slightly older model, but it should seat your family fairly comfortably.  I'm sure you could probably take your dog with you too.

E-mail me back if you're still interested.  I can give you more details and send along some pics.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Dennis

please send me more details please thanks dennis

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To: Dennis 

From: Jacky

Dennis,

This is what I was told from the people at the police auction:

The van has a lot of mileage on it, but it is in tip-top shape.  It's previous owners were a group of college dropouts who took it all over the country, working odd jobs here and there.  They were finally busted here in Georgia for running a mobile meth-lab out of the back.  

It's clean now and has new tires and belts.  Attached is a photo.  Let me know what you think.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Dennis

sorry i need window van thanks

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To: Dennis

From: Jacky

Denzel,

No problem my friend.  Hell, sometimes I think the kooky thing is haunted.  My Great Dane always gets freaked out when I take him for a ride in it.

Jacky

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Fun with Omegle--Crystal Meth Edition

You know, for someone who's never been a meth-head I do a pretty good impression of one. Towards the end here I was laughing so hard I couldn't see to type. Once again, Omegle is a random chat website that lets you talk anonymously to complete strangers. Whoever came up with the concept is a freakin' genius and is my hero.

Dramatis personae:
You = Me
Stranger = Stranger


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hihihihihihihihi
Stranger: hihihihihihihihi
You: I need a fucking break already
Stranger: just fuck with your keyboard
You: I've been cleaning my trailer since midnight and I've had six kids over here since 8am
You: I've been soooo jacked up on meth for like three days straight
Stranger: so what would you do?
You: I need my boyfriend to go get me more meth but the shitweasel got locked up again
You: if I don't get some more, I'm going to go apeshit on all these kids
Stranger: lol
Stranger: why you dont kill them?
You: because I get paid to watch them. well, four of them anyway. the other two are mine
Stranger: i c
Stranger: where is your boyfriend?
You: jail, probably
Stranger: lol
You: that's usually where he is when I don't hear from him for a few days
You: when he gets out, I'm going to rip his dick off with my bare fucking hands and feed it to the neighbors rottweiler
Stranger: you miss him so much right?
You: no, but like I said, I need to get some more fucking meth, and I don't want to have to go to the liquor store and suck some dick to get some
You: it's like 30 minutes away and I'd have to leave the 6 year old in charge again
You: and last time she let the kids go through the knife drawer
Stranger: lol
Stranger: so fucked up
You: you better believe it
You: you a girl too?
Stranger: nope
Stranger: i'm a male
Stranger: lol
You: so you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about
You: you've never had to suck dick for drugs probably
You: word of advice: Drink some fucking pineapple juice.
Stranger: so girl have big sense right?
You: whatever...I said DRINK SOME GODDAMN PINEAPPLE JUICE!!!!
Stranger: yeah do what u want girl
You: I'm sick of all you men having nasty ass tasting jizz
You: if I wanted that taste in my mouth, I'd suck on my tampon
You: I'm sorry...I didn't mean to go off
You: please don't go away...
Stranger: whatever
You: I just get so sketchy sometimes when I'm coming down
You: and these kids are driving up a MOTHER FUCKING WALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Stranger: why you still do this job?
You: I'm sorry...you're probably a nice guy.
You: tell me about yourself
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: i feel shame
You: why? what's wrong?
You: tell me
Stranger: cause i have no good english
You: what's your name?
You: My name is Jacky
Stranger: my name is Idan
Stranger: where do you live?

You: Jasper, GA
You: Where do you live, Dan?
Stranger: im indonesian
You: really? I have an aunt that lives there...
Stranger: wow
You: right outside Gary Indiana, actually
You: she used to send me money, but she stopped a a year or so ago.
You: FUCKING CUNTRAG!!!!!!
You: I don't hold it against you or anything. Not all people from Indiana are assholes
Stranger: i c
Stranger: you're just depressed
Stranger: are you still feeling down?
You: Oh, so you're a doctor now? Doctor Dan from Indiana!!! Well fuck you Doctor Dan FUCK YOU!!!!
You: I will crawl through this fucking monitor and come out on your side in Indiana and I'll bite your fucking dick off too!!!
Stranger: wow, you're bad
You: I still have most of my front teeth you know
Stranger: think i must disconnect with you
You: FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU
You: typical man
You: only after this pussy
You: PUSSSYPUSSYPUSSY!!!!
Stranger: sorry im just a kid
You: YEAH WELL DON'T GROW UP TO BE LIKE YOUR DAD
Stranger: yeah, i know
Stranger: because you grow up like your grandma
Stranger: is your grandma a man?
You: oh so now you're so clever, aren't you doctor Dan?
You: You don't know my grandma. Ever since she got out of prison she's been a saint
Stranger: im a doctor
You: goes to church every Sunday
Stranger: and her god is satan, right?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.