Public Masturbation in Kentucky

Dateline: Knob Creek, KY

Kentucky State Senator Jack Inghoff (R-Naturally) is proposing a bill in the state senate that would impose stiff penalties on public masturbating.  The bill is in response to an incident that occurred in the the legislators home district of Knob Creek.

The current law in Kentucky for public masturbating provides for a fine of $500 and/or six months of probation.  Senator Inghoff's proposed bill would stiffen the penalties threefold; $1500, and six months minimum jail sentence.  The bill has support from other members of the Kentucky legislature.

"It's a sin against God to abuse oneself in private, " says State Senator Phil McCrakin (R-Dongsford County), "...but it should be our mission in the State Senate to make it a crime publicly."

The action in the state legislature stems from an incident that occurred in Senator Inghoff's home district.  Police had arrested a local man, Nolan "Woody" Jackson, for indecent exposure outside a gentleman's club in Pentup County.  When brought before Judge Ben Grippinett, he stated, "While this might be viewed by some as a juicy case, I am tied up by the law of the land."

Jackson was sentenced to the maximum allowed by Kentucky law at the time. 

While the measure has some public support, Senator Anita Hurtin (D-Tuchit County) has expressed some concerns.  "Where do we draw the line?", she stated in a press coference outside the Statehouse in Frankfort, "What constitutes 'public' masturbating? If I'm alone in my house with the blinds slightly cracked, and someone sees me engaged in the act, would I go to prison?"

Senator Hurtin quickly amended her statement by adding, "Not that I would ever do that, of course...golly...I was speaking in hypotheticals there...is there a problem with the air conditioner in here?  It's awfully hot..."

The Kentucky State Legislature is due to adjourn for the holidays before Election Day.  Senate Majority leader, Bob Uppendoun stated, "This measure is important to all citizens of this fine state.  We'll do whatever we can to squeeze this one out in time."

National Pornographic

Original ad:


Wanting any free National Geographic magazines that you need to get rid of. Thank you:) 













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To: Kimberly
From: Jacky Maille

Hi there,

I have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines from the 1970's and '80's.  They're pretty rough shape and some of the pages are stuck together, but let me know if you're interested.

Regards,

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Kimberly

Hi Jacky,

Thanks for the reply...where are you located? Hope your having a great afternoon.

K

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To: Kimberly

From: Jacky

K,

You are so welcome for the reply!  I am located in Stone Mountain.  And I am having a wonderful afternoon!  Thank you so much for your kindness and warmth!

About those National Geographics:  Right after sending you the previous e-mail, I called my Mom in the nursing home to ask about all those old magazines.  I was never sure why we were always hanging on to them.  Well, my Mom tells me some crazy things about those old publications.  She said that my late Dear old Dad used to get those magazines because they had naked pictures of native women in them.  She said my old man used to cut those pictures out and tape them to the walls of his woodshed and pleasure himself.  I think that's just disgusting!

You're not looking for these magazines for that reason, are you?

Jacky

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To: Jacky

From: Kimberly

No sweetie...I'm not. I'm just a history buff. I want to teach my grandchildren about knowledge. I may be coming south next week. Is it ok if I email you then?

Kimberly

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To: Kimberly

From: Jacky

Kem,

My God!  That is just horrible that you want to expose your grandchildren to filth and smut!!  Why don't you just get them a subscription to Hustler or Juggs or Sports Illustrated!  I cannot in good conscience sell my Dad's old porno to someone who wants to "expose" things to their grandchildren in the "buff" no less!

For shame!

Jacky

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To: Jacky

From: Kimberly

Your mistaken..the magazines have alot of historical and educational lit in them...I would never or have never exposed my grandchildren to filth.The magazines contains literature about nature, the earth, etc....

K

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To: Kimberly

From: Jacky

Jim,

I'm sorry, but I took all those magazines out back and burned them.  I can't let anyone else get their hands on such nastiness. And it sounds like you have a perverted obsession with pornography yourself.  I suggest you seek help before you damage your poor innocent grandkids.  

Good luck and Jesus bless,

Jacky Maille

Jamaican Nanny

Original Ad:


Jamaican Nanny NEEDED ASAP!!
Hi, Im looking for a Jamaican live-in nanny that has a VISA already. I have three children which are 1,2,&4 of age. I need the get someone up here before the end of the month. The pay would be $180.00per week+room and board, food and a cell phone....Thanks!

==============================

To: Anna
From: Jacky

Good day to you ma'am!

My name is Jacky.  I saw your ad looking for a nanny for the young children.  I have worked with the many children for 16 years and recently left the job at a local daycare center.  I am sorry to say that I am not from Jamaica but I am from Charlotte Amalie in St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands. So I am already a citizen, but with the same Island attitude!

God bless you!

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Anna

Dear Jackie,

Thank you for replying to our ad.  Yes we would prefer a Jamaican lady because our last nanny was Jamaican and thats what our children are used to, but Virgin Islands is fine too.  Our lst nanny recently got married and moved to New York unexpectedly and my husband and I work full time with our own exterminator business.

Can you tell me a little more about yourself?  Like how many families have you worked for.  You said you left your last position at a daycare center.  Can you tell me a little about that?  And what sort of philosophies do you have regarding raising children?

If you could get back to us and maybe send a picture and resume would be great.  Thanks Jackie!

Anna Lxxx

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To: Anna
From: Jacky

Ana,

Good to hear from you ma'am!  I tell you how I work with the children.  We kick back, we relax.  No worries.  We sing songs, do crafts like paper folding and rolling.  I worked for several whitey-dem families back home before coming to Atlanta.  The daycare center I worked for lost they license to the state for some reason.  I don't know.  I mind my own business.  I am not nosy.

Anyway, I send you my picture but understand this:  If the question is will I have threesome with you and your husband-man, the answer is no!

'scuse me while I light this spliff...

Jacky

PS.  What kind of cell phone are we talkin', mon?  Cause I don't want no cheap ass Nokia.  I want an i-phone!

==============================

To: Jacky

From: Anna

Thank you for your interest but we have already filled the position. Thank you.

Anna Lxxx

Boycott Starbucks!

It's common knowledge to every American alive that the Starbucks Corporation has invaded every street corner in the USA.  Go to any shopping mall and you'll run across at least three Starbucks franchises.   Starbucks has not only infiltrated and injected itself into American culture, it has laid its eggs into our collective consicousnesses.  There is even a Starbucks near Ground Zero in Hiroshima!

While people are enjoying their coffees, lattes, cappucinos, and iced frappacinos, they remain blissfully unaware of the atrocities committed by the vast crime syndicate/coffee retailer known as Starbucks. 

Despite numerous death threats, I'm going to expose a few of the skeletons in the cellar of the Starbucks Home 

Office.

1)  Every coffee bean imported from South America for use in Starbucks Coffee is hand burnt by a Costa Rican immigrant with a Bic lighter.  He spends 16 hours a day, burning already roasted coffee beans one by one with his lighter. Starbucks pays him a KFC gift card worth $25 dollars every week.

2)  All of the delightful pastries you purchase from the Starbucks cooler were made in Bulgaria.  They were made by child slave labor in muffin making sweatshops. Big strapping German men in leather and jackboots whip these child slaves repeatedly yelling, "Knead da dough, knead da dough!!"

3) Starbucks doesn't use regular cows' milk.  Every Starbucks Latte, Cappucino, Frappe, etc is made with milk from hamsters in Mexico. 

These poor hamsters are fed corn then impregnated to produce milk for the Starbucks Corporation.  Every Starbucks has a room marked "Employees Only".  Behind that door is the hamster rape/milking room...

Save the rainforest, save the Bulgarian children, and above all, save the poor innocent hamsters:  Boycott Starbucks!!!