The Black Lips: Satan's New Musical Messengers

Original ad:


I need 1 to 2 tickets to the Black Lips/Deerhunter show at the eyedrum on dec 30th NOW! Willing to negotiate good money for it! I'm traveling 8 hours just to go to this show all in good faith! Please help if you know anyone going! Thank you! 


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To: Gabriel
From:  Jacky Maille

Dear The Black Lips Fan,

I seriously hope you're not going to hitchhike for 8 hours to see a The Black Lips in concert.  Are you truly aware of the evil that they cause?  Their music promotes Satanism, homosexuality, bestiality, masturbation,  and a host of other demonic sins.   You may as well attend a Black Mass in the fiery pits of Hell conducted by Satan himself.

The Black Lips concerts begin with the band leading the audience in a chant of passages from the Necronomicon, trying to raise the spirit of their dark master Cthulu. At some point during the show, each band member removes their pants and begins to masturbate on the audience.  When they achieve orgasm, they spray the audience with their devil slime which is a cue for the rest to follow suit.  Do you seriously want to be in the middle of 1,000 people with their genitals exposed and rubbing away?  Not to mention everyone there is on drugs.

The lead singer will often sodomize the bassist throughout the show.  The audience is usually unaware as they are at this point having a drug fueled orgy on the floor.  The Black Lips conclude each show by sacrificing a dog or cat that they have stolen from a local animal shelter to their lord and master Satan.

My church group has been picketing these Devil Masses for years now.  Anytime we are able to prevent even one person from being corrupted by these awful Satanmongers, we feel we have saved a soul for Jesus.  I will be praying for you.  I hope that the lord Jesus Christ will turn your eyes and ears away from the Devil and his evil band.  I would highly suggest you read your Bible and listen to more wholesome music like Reba McEntire and Toby Keith.  I understand what it's like to be young and confused.  I was once like you until someone showed me the path to pure salvation.

Good Luck to you, and may Jesus shine his glorious light on you and point you in the right direction.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky

From: Gabriel

Wow seriously lady you are crazy!!!  You dont know whow all kinds of wrong you are! Black Lips aren ATHEISTS and dont even beleive in god or satan so they cant be bad like that!!  And just becuse they kiss once during that ONE SONG!!! doen't mean theyre homosexual or gay.  Theyre making fun of the people who are CONDMMING them!  

Im on my way I already Got my TICKETS  waiting 4 me, so if ur chooch group[ is waiting 4 us we dont give a FUCK about u!  BAD KIDS!!!!

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To: Gabriel

From: Jacky

Dude,

I'm just cranking you, man.  I have never even heard of The Black Lips until I saw your ad online.  Then I checked out some of their tracks on MySpace and youtube, and HOLY SHIT!!11!  The Black Lips are just awful!

I'm just trying to have fun.  This is my first internet.

Jacky

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To: Jacky

From: Gabriel

No way lady.  THEY JUSY KISSS.  Fucki you its not gay it's pissing you off!!!

 

Well-Loved Ottoman

Original ad:


I'm looking for an upholstered ottoman with a max width of 28 inches to put next to my couch.
Please only e-mail me if you have a picture attached.
Thanks!

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To: Otto
From: Jacky Maille

Hi there,

I have an ottoman that I'm looking to get rid of. You might say it's been well-loved.  It's yours for ten bucks.  You can pick it up today if you're interested.  Also, I can do better than just a picture.  I'm attaching a video of me and my boys showing the many uses this ottoman has.



Let me know if you're interested.

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Otto

Fuck you faggot.  And your faggot friends too.  Don't ever contact me anymore.

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To: Otto
From: Jacky

I can assure you that the ottoman has been tested for herpes and it's clean.  On second thought, I've decided not to sell it.  I just can't bear the thought of my ottoman in someone else's house getting humped by some stranger who doesn't love it the way me and my homeboys do.  Sorry to waste your time.

Jacky "Pipelayer" Maille

Cock Retriever

Original ad:
Cocker Spaniel Needs Female Mate
38 lbs 6 years old Blonde adult male needs mate. Looking for female Cocker Spaniel mate, ownees will split litter in half after 8 to 10 weeks. with mother.
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To: Shaun xxxxxx
From: Jacky Maille
Subj: Doggy Date

Hi there!

I was very excited to run across your ad! I too am a dog lover and have been blessed to have many canine companions throughout my life. I think we can help each other out and start something huge. Not to mention let our dogs get a little lovin' on the side ;)

I have a 2 year-old black Flat Coated Retriever bitch named named Puddytat (AKC Registered). I am interested in breeding her with a Cocker Spaniel so that I can create my own line of designer dogs: Cock Retrievers! I figure with the rise of such designer breeds like Labradoodles, YorkiePoos, Schnorkies, etc., the world is definitely ready for Cock Retrievers! I'm estimating that people will pay between $850-$1000 for a Cock Retriever. Of course, you and I will split the proceeds 50/50.



Puddytat has not had puppies yet, but she came from a litter of 8. So we're looking to split between 6 to 8 thousand bucks!
How about it? Reply back to this e-mail address, and we'll try to set up a doggy date and unleash an army of Cock Retrievers on the world!

Jacky Maille

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To: Jacky
From: Shaun
re: Doggy Date

Jacky
Thats gotta be some of the gayest shit I ever heard. Sorry but not interested. We want cocker puppies. Not mutts.
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To: Shaun
From: Jacky

I'm sorry you feel that way Shawnnie. I beg you to reconsider though. First of all, a Cock Retriever is not a mutt. It's a bonafide designer dog. People who hunt with dogs would pay top dollar for a Cock Retriever. And you mentioned that my offer sounded gay. Exactly! Do you know how many gay people live in Atlanta (not that there's anything wrong with that)? These guys would be all over Piedmont Park proudly walking their Cock Retrievers. It'll be the new status symbol, much like inner city thugs with their Pit Bulls. And everyone knows gay people have more disposable income than the rest of us, as they don't have kids like the rest of us. So of course, they'll pay top dollar too.

We really should set something up the sooner the better. Puddytat is getting ready to go into heat and I'm sure she's ready to get some Cocker cock all up in her. Let me know!

Jacky Maille
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To: Jacky
From: Shaun

I'm sur if you put up an ad on craigslist you can find someone to help you out. We already found a mate for our dog thank you very much. And you got some weird shit to say bout gay people. My wifes cousin is gay and hes always broke.
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To: Shaun
From: Jacky

I hate to hear that Shane. You could have made thousands on a litter of genuine Cock Retrievers, but instead you decided to create more boring-ass psycho puppies who grow up to be boring-ass psycho dogs that can't control their bladders and pee everywhere and then you're begging people to take them off your hands. Great. But ten years from now when Cock Retrievers are the most popular designer dogs in the US, don't come crying to me about how you missed your golden opportunity. You'll be sitting in your living room watching an Animal Planet special on the popularity of Cock Retrievers while your little Spaniels are busy peeing all over the place. They'll be interviewing me and you'll go, "Man I coulda got in on that action from the very beginning. I shoulda listened to that dude!"

Oh well. Best of luck to you Shamus, and your little piddlers.

Jacky Maille
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To: Jacky
From: Shaun

Man your crazy. I'm glad you mentioned you were a dude cuz I was really wondering. Maybe I'll see you in the park with your gay friends and your gay dogs.